I am the gayest of the gay, queerest of the queer; the biggest faggot anyone has ever had the displeasure of laying their eyes upon. I disgust the extremely small number of friends that I have with my shirtless selfies on Instagram and then I pay for bots to like and comment on my photos so I feel better about myself. Every single one of my baby pictures made the front page of /r/awwtf. When I was born, my father asked the doctor if the baby came after the large\-headed, mentally\-defective, gelatinous blob with the forehead as big as its ego.

I put the homo in homosapien. I have the attention span of a… My extreme autism knows no bounds; I frequently burst forth into violent episodes of autistic screeching and flapping of the limbs. Many days I am only able to communicate through modulating the pitch and tone of my gurgling.

I have a headgina, inside which I take joy in fucking myself with monstrously oversized purple dildos. You may ask “How do you insert a dildo into your head? Wouldn’t that cause brain damage?” Well, my friend, this is made possible due to my complete and total lack of a brain. To explain this in a way possible for you to comprehend; if my retardation was to be put into physical form the universe as we know it would be swiftly sucked in and swallowed whole; like a blue whale preying on a single krill.

My retardation in physical form is only second to the volume of my gloriously gargantuan anus. In fact; my retardation is to my anus just as a singular grain of sand from the finest beaches of Australia is to VY Canis Majoris. My anus is a vast, never ending void of darkness; the only light inside being the roaring fire of my burning passion when a cactus or a large black male is engulfed by my infinite, unfathomable cavity. My anus is without end; incalculable and unbounded. It is continuously growing and consuming everything in its path. Soon the entire universe as we know it will be consumed by my unconfined, eternal vacuum of an anus. For all we know we may already be completely consumed.

The only thing that exists in this universe capable of counteracting the monumental stature of my anus is the sheer tininess of my needle dick. My penis, which I have nicknamed ‘The Pixel Pecker’, is the most infinitesimally sized thing throughout the known and unknown universe. The straight up diminutiveness of my wood, or rather splinter is abysmal. At first you may not believe these outlandish words but those who lay eyes on my teensy\-weensy pint\-sized peter see that it is indeed possible to have a willy so unimaginably miniscule that it literally bends the fabric of reality. If stared at for too long my mind\-bogglingly microscopic member sends you into a unique type of hypnotic trance that may only be broken by the distinct scent given off from the worn panties of an 18\-year\-old girl; an item I have yet to gain access to. I have been told by a reliable source that such a rare item can only be attained by vigorous training and non\-stop furious masturbation. I have yet to complete this quest, but I will never rest until I do; so that one day I might free all of the people that have been entranced by my imperceptible, indistinguishable, impalpably miniature phallus.