I literally have never read any fiction in my life. If I see a fiction book, I just eat it. Once I broke into the Library of Congress to get a taste of the earliest copy of The Odyssey. If someone tells me about a good book they read and its not non-fiction I sock em right in the jaw. One time I went to my local library and saw a woman reading a Dr. Seuss book to her child. I immediately went into a fit of rage and started windmilling while screeching, knocking over bookshelves and computers from 1998. The librarians tried to stop me. They threw everything they could get their hands on at me. Unfortunately, the only books they had at hand were fiction and as fiction has no real effect the books bounced off my thick superior intellectual cranium. Eventually they resorted to throwing the children. I was knocked unconscious by an airborne toddler in peppa pig rainboots and held in the icu for 36 consecutive days. The only reason I regained consciousness is because someone started reading Charlottes Web outloud. I awoke with a squeal like a wounded hog, snapped the readers neck, and jumped out the third floor window suffering severe buttcheek lacerations. I am now wanted in every state but Ohio and New Jersey. It was worth it. If you read fiction not only are you ***sad*** but also ***weak***. I will find you, flip you like a pancake, and rearrange your bones. If you want to be enlightened on the dangers of fiction/discuss non-fiction and are also a superior intellectual being, meet me behind the Whole Foods dumpster in north Albuquerque. Please bring with you some tasteful literature like an autobiography or encyclopedia of root vegetables. I am waiting