There sits on my back patio and row of dicks by which I measure the snow fall. Each dick is a silicone, all-weather, nigh-indestructible 1:1 scale replica of the dick belonging to many different people I know.

Oh course, I spared no expense when it comes to the detail and accuracy of these phallic measuring sticks, hiring a few Academy Award winning special effects artists to ensure every vein, freckle, lump, scrunch, wrinkle, hair, blemish, and mole is exactly where it needs to be. I’ve even gone as far as to make sure the silicone versions of my friends’ penises even have the right musk wafting from them. They surely are a sight to be admired and respected. Were it your penis out there, standing monolithic in the setting winter sun as the snowfall begins, I dare say there would be a voodoo like effect in your loins. No doubt, your balls clench and retract reflexively even though your own actual penis is snug in your long johns, perhaps even a bit sweaty because your home, like mine, is kept toastier than most.

And when that snowfall does begin, I’ll stand at my window and watch my friends be buried one by one. “Ahh, it’s already snowed a Jay-full! It was to the tip of Jesse last night! We got a half-shaft of Josh on the ground today!” I call up my friends, shivering in the groin as they are, and inform them how buried their cocks are in the old man winter’s excessive dandruff. They only beg me to remove the measuring cock from my patio, that their flesh sears with the frigid clutch of frostbite, that the pain is unbearable.

Such goofs!

Jay begs that I just destroy his cock as a particularly heavy snow just crests his tip and covers his urethra. No, I won’t do it. I won’t remove my beloved measuring cocks. They’re much too lovely and informative. I have only a dozen or so out there, so there’s always room for more accuracy, more fidelity, a more exact way to describe the amount of snow.

As for my own cock replica? Oh yes, it sits there proudly among the others, but I embrace the chill. I see the benefits of an icy cock, and the snow always covers mine.