Listen up, cupcakes. If one more of you pinko meat bags gives any other moustachioed poster guff about not having a “real handlebar moustache,” I’m coming to your house to slap you with a mackerel filled with broken russian vodka bottles and rusty Chinese cutlery. Twice. And my fucking moustache will slap you a third time.
This bullshit sticks righteously hard in my magnificently hirsute craw…
A while back, some guy posts: “Am I moustaching right?” I click the picture. There’s a picture of a guy with a fucking moustache…. aaannnd several downvotes and comments about how he doesn’t have a “true handlebar” moustache. But see, HE HAD A FUCKING MOUSTACHE. I saw it, RIGHT THERE, ON HIS FACE.
…Happens all the time: guy posts a picture of his manly steak-sweeper and some brilliant genius has to whine like a kicked dog about how much he hates it when guys ‘only curl the ends’ on their quasi-handlebars, and trim the rest. This horseshit has to stop. It makes you sound like communists, vegans or British people, which are basically all the same thing.
This is r/moustache. NOT r/handlebarmoustachecirclejerk. Some of us even, (hang on to your tampons, ladies), TRIM our manly mouth brows.
Shit – I HAVE to trim my ‘stache. If I don’t, it becomes wild, unruly and a bit cocky. It’ll get drunk on rye whisky and send boastful threats to Sam Elliot’s moustache while I sleep. It booty-called my ex, offering “rides,” which pissed off my wife real good. One night it carved an 18-foot chainsaw sculpture of a bear beating a shark to death with a wolf out of my neighbor’s 220-year-old oak. Not good.
So yeah, I have to trim that rowdy brute to put it in it’s place, keep it under control and remind it that I’m the fucking boss around here. I keep it just long enough to deflect punches and parry knife attacks and that’s enough.
Hell, I’ve seen some of y’all’s “true handlebar mustaches” – with all sixteen of your alfalfa-sprout face-filaments untrimmed and combed to the side, tapered into exquisite whip-like tendrils. Cute. But I you don’t get my upvote (and more importantly, my personal “Fuck Yeah”) because you have a “true handlebar” moustache, but because YOU HAVE A FUCKING MOUSTACHE.
Cut the shit, ladies.
Oh, and slightly off topic, but not much – it’s a fucking MAGAZINE – not a CLIP. Why do we have to keep going over this…?