So I (A27) am an active rectum for someone (F27), let’s call them Bee. One thing that Bee and I know is that when we have too much watermelon, it leads to many trips to the bathroom I.E. diarrhea. Bee had made it known that she was going to a BBQ later in the week, and I overheard that her crush (M47) was going to be there, let’s call him Dee. Bee had been single since high school w/ many strike outs on tinder in between. So this was a key opportunity to get out of her relationship slump.

So Dee-Day is here and we are on our way to the BBQ. She decides that it’s a good idea to stop for an ice coffee on the way. She of course, takes her coffee w/ extra cream, oh and BTW, SHE’S LACTOSE INTOLERANT. I let her know this is a bad idea by letting out a squeaker while she was waiting on line. Relatively unphased, she orders her large ice coffee w/ extra cream and whip cream on top. I let out another one, this one had some baritone in it. The people around her definitely knew it was her. She no sells it, grabs her coffee and walks out.

Bee sucks her coffee down in barely 5 minutes, whip cream and all. We pull up to the BBQ and I’m feeling it. I backfire some gas up into her intestines, I know she felt it because she stopped in her tracks and grunted. I think she finally got the hint so she introduces herself at the party quickly and immediately asks about the bathroom. The BBQ host stammers a bit and goes into this spiel about how part of the house in under renovation and the only available bathroom for guests is a porta potty that has been used by all the trade workers. I knew this was a tough situation so I backed off a bit. Bee was still noticably nervous.

Bee’s crush was still not at the party so Bee thought this was a good time to stuff her face while her crush wasn’t looking. She grabs a hot dog and of course, goes right for the beans. She gobbles the hot dog and beans like it’s the last thing she’ll ever be allowed to eat then goes for a drink. Bee looks in the cooler and I hear her say “Are these sour beers for anyone in particular?” Seriously?!?!? “They’re for everyone, enjoy!” This bitch is *actively* trying to piss me off now. I decide it’s time to let her know I’m still here. I keep it dry, because I know what we’re working with. She ignores my warning and has *another* sour and gets another hot dog w/ beans. I’m good and pissed off right now and of course, lo and behold her comes Mr. Thing. The crush of the century. And what is he carrying might you ask? (Bee brought nothing btw) FUCKING WATERMELON. “Heeeeyyyy, good to see you. You need help cutting that up?” He agrees to let her help and she proceeds to have the most awkward conversation of all time. Dee, is shockingly charmed by her bumbling and stumbling over the English language and plays along with her ruse. Even to the point of acknowledging my farts and playing them off.

So they’re done cutting watermelon and she managed to not eat one bite. I’m bursting at the seams with all the crap she pulled earlier but I’m doing my best to maintain. Just when I thought we were going get away from this time bomb of a situation, Dee says “Aren’t you going to take your reward?” holding a big piece of watermelon. With no hesitation she bites it and eats the whole thing all the way down to the rind. Now I’m at critical mass. They converse a bit more and she bites his watermelon slice out of his hand in some feeble attempt to appear sexy. Cringe af tbh. I’ve had it. No more dry warnings. It’s time. I backfire into intestines to get myself ready. Thinking she’ll comply. She, again, NO SELLS ME! Ok, you know what, fuck you. I let loose. Her neon green panties turn brown faster than a piece of toast on time lapse. Dee freaks out “OH MY GOD, EWW, UHH, I MEAN, ARE UHH, YOU OK?” Bee starts crying and immediately blames me. Dee tells Bee that he’s going to get something to help clean up but instead comes back with the BBQ host who verbally lambastes Bee and kicks her out.

Now Bee is talking about having me removed and thinks a colostomy bag is a better option. I feel like I did nothing wrong but Bee is dead set on this. I’m scheduled to be removed July 29th.