I swear I once saw a man grind his 1997 John Deere multi-drive deluxe down a park railing and disintegrate an 11 year old kid for daring to oppose him.

Riding lawn mowers are the boners of my backyard, made of steel and only slightly longer than they are wide. If I could get my hands on one of those sweet sweet Cub Cadet LT42 Enduro XT1s I swear I’d bust a load so hard it would be like pure Irish born yogurt blasting a hole through the ozone layer.

It’s full of violence, diesel, and my undying love and affection so don’t you god damn dare insult any man who’s heart and balls are full with pure grass genociding fury.