Fucking dirty-ass peasants

I didn’t want to be a landsknecht, you know. I wanted to be a condottiere, making buttloads of money off the Italian Wars. Wars that are half-fighting, half-measuring contest, and I’m not talking about our halberds. But nooo, the fucking peasants had to rebel in *Germany.* Fucking forested-as-hell Germany, where the princes are poor and the guilds are stingy. And the schedule! God’s wounds, the time they make us awake at! Fucking German-born officers, always with their damn discipline. I could have even gone into a Swiss mercenary company, but no. *Landsknechte.* Fucking hell. Maybe I’ll take out my anger on the next band of fleeing peasants we come across. It’s not really my fault; this peasant ‘s war was their fault, so really, I’m contributing to the war effort. I mean, our pay comes from their harvest anyway, so it’s like giving myself an advance on my money! Well, their money. And you know, communication can be slow on a battlefield. Maybe I couldn’t hear the captain yelling at me to stop, yelling that they’re just innocent peasants trying to escape before they get caught up in their brothers’ folley? Well, they shouldn’t have crossed my path. Here they come now; maybe I’ll get Gerhard to come along with me. He’s always up for a good bit of murder and pillage. Wait… Those aren’t peasants. They’re wearing proper armor and they’ve got pikes. Oh shit, are those Swiss? That flag is looking awfully red from this distance. Hey guys, anyone else see those mercenaries over there? Um… Guys? Shit, they must have turned at that last crossroads. Wait, what’s that noise? Eh, it was probably nothing. Just a hare. Fucking hell, I’ve had enough of this German weather. I’m deserting back to Italy. Hey, look at that tree. It’s got a branch hanging off of another branch straight down. Hang on… That doesn’t look like a branch. Shit, is that a noose? Who would set up a noose all the way out here? Oh, hey, I didn’t see you there, my good man. That’s a nice club you’ve got there, who made it? Wait, why are you swinging it at my hea–