The Redditor’s eyes shone, the sole light in his darkened room. The blinds were drawn, and the air lay heavy and stale, a pervasive odor of old Doritos, sweat, and ejaculate lingering like an evil presence. The only sounds were the rapid “click clack” as the fat sausage-like fingers raced across the keyboard. The Redditor was in a rare frenzy. he knew he had to act fast. It was not every hour that a new post about a wide receiver was made. And one about a receiver’s weight? He couldn’t help but chortle quietly in smug satisfaction.


The Redditor shifted his own hefty weight on the hemorrhoid pillow placed carefully on his gaming chair. He took another sip of Mountain Dew as he looked over his masterpiece once more with small, beady eyes, anxious to discover any potential error before it was too late.


“Kelvin Benjamin is fat!” It read. He could not contain himself any longer. He burst into joyous laughter, his body shaking as he threw his head back in mirth. It was the most physical exertion he had had in weeks, and he soon had to stop to catch his breath. Still smiling, he hovered over the mouse for a split second, savoring the moment, then clicked.


His task complete, the Redditor leaned back in his chair, an ominous creak breaking the fresh silence. It was over. He had done it.


https://reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/9vb2pu/_/e9au9ke/?context=1