Bro, let me teach you.

It starts with the unseen/unnoticed delicacies. Start with a shot of soy sauce to get that umami and salivary glands flowing. Next, take a rip off the yellow mustard that expired 2 years ago. Stiiiiilllll fresh baby. After that, dig out those stale Oreos from your pantry and slather them with the cake icing sitting depressed in the back right corner of your vegetable drawer. Too sweet, need something savory. Get that Lawry’s seasoned salt from the cabinet, pour some on your palm, eat it. Now you need something wet. Get your mind outta the gutter, and pound some cold-ass milk. Cleanse the pallete. Now, you probably want something crunchy or dry, so put a tablespoon of butter in a saucepan, heat it up ruulll good, then throw down a slice of whole grain wheat bread. Not white, don’t be a goddamn raciss. Cover both sides of that bread in butter, and fry until both crispy and chewy. Cry your pathetic tears onto the toast, then put some of that expensive shallot-onion-whole mustard seed spread onto one side of the toast, and take a bigass bite in proportion to the bigass late night hungry fiending baller you are. Namaste.