Dear Barney the Dinosaur:

While you’ve inspired generations of children, and instilled in them a mindset of kindness and morality, I want to write to you to say kudos: you’ve psyched out 90% percent of America by having never actually committed a violent crime. Between the molester vibes and the (false) rumors that you cursed out young children, you’ve kept everyone on their toes, just waiting for Barney the Ticking Time Bomb to explode. But you never did. You hung in there. Even your voice is off-putting, like a hyper intelligent Goofy. And the eyes, oh god the eyes. They peer into your soul. They’re the eyes of a cold-blooded killer. A killer of children. But nonetheless, you keep your record clean, and amaze us all. If you are actually doing these unspeakable things, then I can be nothing but impressed. Seriously. You’ve lasted this long, mad respect. I’d be a little disgusted if you had turned out to be what everyone expected of you, but mostly filled with admiration. Anyway, just wanted to say keep up the good work, no matter what it is you’re doing. Whatever it is, it’s working.