I want my Nintendo Switch to over-power and ravage me in front of my family. I need them to see what a superior console can do to the weak-chinned narrow-shouldered wretch that I am. I want them to feel shame while I am mercilessly pounded. I want my mother to fear for my life. I want my brother to worry that he’s next. I want my sister to be secretly turned on by the sickening display that she is witness to.

My Switch will whisper sales figures in my ear until it unloads and fills me with its hidden gems. I will crumple to the floor. A man no longer, but a Gameboy.