A most deranged fantasy came to me in the shower. I was walking, marching, weaving through Times Square with my eyes closed. Preemptively avoiding the busy people while going my merry way. They were frightened of my quick pace, my effortlessly athletic moves, and the volume of my voice. With odd speaker devices on my arms, I was blasting instrumentals one after another as soon as they came to me, and singing along to them with such flow and perfect pitches I could only dream of reaching. My voice was pristine if I wanted it, or digital if I so wished. In the shower, I was making back and forth naked like a madman. My eyes wide open, almost vividly seeing the gorgeous city in my mind. I hummed songs with all my heart as the hot water hit me. I vaguely imitated the suave, beyond-human dancing I saw myself doing as I slunk my way blindly, gracefully through the people. I leaped over a few of them no harder than jumping over a puddle. It was freedom and happiness. I didn’t need any destination. I was at the centerpiece of my city, and I was making myself the shining centerpiece of my life. My eyes were closed, and the shock of everyone around me didn’t matter. Did I make their lives better with such a ridiculous spectacle? I hope I did. But they came second to this feeling. I was a plume of vapor that refused to ever dissipate. Except, really, I was Hatsune Miku. Really. I was Miku throughout the entire fantasy, for what could have been over half an hour, at two in the morning on a weekday.

As of late, that character has symbolized freedom and joy whenever I lose myself to daydreams. She, or me as her, doing things I wish I could do. Funny thing is nothing is stopping me from heading downtown and blasting music on my headphones, cherishing my surroundings through my own convictions for the first time in a long while. But instead, I do this. Because I’m too lazy, or to comfortable with my complaisant, idle, “do nothing and you get the most” lifestyle to seek out joy fervently like everyone else. These fantasies do little to improve my mood, and yet here we are. At least looking back on them serves as some conviction for the future.

Now if only I could share media meaningful to me as a way to express this.