When I was a boy watching bug’s life for the first time, I did not like it very much. I had already seen some of Pixar’s other offerings and was not impressed by how it looked. However, I kept asking my parents to play it again whenever I could. Why?


It was that damned german caterpillar.


I could not get over him. I spent many nights sleepless because of him. I couldn’t stop thing about him. I never knew why. Was it his face? His big fat body? His small yet powerful wings? I learned when I was 14 watching bugs life again, I had a sexual awakening and realized what happened: I wanted to fuck Heimlich the caterpillar.


I wanted him more than life itself. I dreamed up many scenarios where I was buried underground and my cock and balls were hanging out. I wanted Heimlich to think it was food and bite down, only for the cock and ball torture to arouse me. I wanted him to keep doing it, eventually learning to climb on top of my dick and fully envelop it in his lips. I wanted him to taste my cum, and like it. I wanted him to keep coming back for more, bringing his friends and teaching them the ways of the trade. God, I couldn’t stand it, and to this day I have gotten no resolution. I still have not felt the tickling yet smooth feeling of him crawling on my shaft, no warm feeling of his large interior housing my equally large cock, nothing. It still tortures me every day.


That is why I need the Heimlich fleshlight. I have heard there are only a few in the world, distributed only to the highest of Pixar executives. I will beat up who I need to. I will beat up John Lasseter, Dave Foley, whoever. I need to feel his silicone lips envelop me. Every day without him is another breakdown, another episode. I need it. I need Heimlich to give me sloppy toppy. I will make it my life’s mission. I need it to survive.