Ever since I was a little boy I’ve wanted a blue passport. For almost every night of my childhood I cried into my pillow, sobbing and wailing in despair, as I thought I would never be able to have one. When I got in from school every day I would sit down and stare for hours at my grandad’s old passport, in its glorious, patriotic navy blue colour. Staring at it filled me with both gushing pride for the greatness this country once had, and melancholy for what it had become. We were once able to display our blue passports with a spring in our step, but the tyrannical, fascist European superstate robbed them from us. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like on the day they announced that our blue passports would be replaced with hideous, grotesque, horrible burgundy ones – it must have felt like finding out that your only child had been abducted by paedophiles.

As I thought I would never have the honour of having a great British blue passport and would instead be relegated to using a burgundy one, as if I were some sort of lowly Polack or Frenchman, I decided that I would buy a rope and hang myself. But, in an act of what could only have been divine intervention, it was announced that there would be a referendum held on leaving the EU. I finally had a tiny sense of hope, but it was enough. I was nervous, giddy, restless. I spent countless months tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. How could I, if I knew there was a chance however slight of me one day owning a blue passport?

When the day of the referendum finally came, I knew what I had to do. It was the pencil-pushing bureaucrat scum in Brussels who had tormented me for what seemed like my entire life. Those cruel bullies were keeping the British people down with Burgundy-coloured shackles. But June the 23rd was the day we fought back. And won.

I couldn’t believe it. When the results were announced, I wet myself out of euphoria. I was ecstatic. For the first time in my life, I was happy. My anguish and suffering was gone forever. We were finally going to get our blue passports back.