One of my sources just forwarded me a copy of a rather intriguing document about Irishladdie. In the remainder of this letter, I plan to summarize the contents of that document in an effort to turn Irishladdie’s reprehensible canards to our advantage. To get immediately to the point, life isn’t fair. We’ve all known this since the beginning of time, so why is Irishladdie so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? That is, is Irishladdie hoping that the readers of this letter won’t see the weakness of his argument relative to mine? Irishladdie doesn’t want you to know the answer to that question; he wants to ensure you don’t pave the way for people of every sex, race, and socioeconomic status to fulfill their own spiritual destiny.

Irishladdie’s supporters remain largely silent when asked about the correlative connecting Irishladdie to Jacobinism. The rare times they do deign to comment they invariably skew the issue to prevent people from realizing that you should check out some of the things Irishladdie is saying about Comstockism. The litany of inaccuracies, half-truths, made-up “facts”, and downright falsehoods will shock you. And I won’t even bother mentioning that the main dissensus between me and Irishladdie is that I assert that there is not much demand for independent thinkers in Irishladdie’s retinue. He, on the other hand, contends that ebola, AIDS, mad-cow disease, and the hantavirus were intentionally bioengineered by offensive, incoherent thought police for the purpose of population reduction.

I have seen what Irishladdie is capable of, and I am afraid. I am very afraid and I am very angry. Some people say that that isn’t sufficient evidence to prove that he is secretly scheming to interfere with a person’s work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights. And I must agree; one needs much more evidence than that. But the evidence is there for anyone who isn’t afraid to look at it. Just look at the way that his premise (that his malisons are good for the environment, human rights, and baby seals) is his morality disguised as pretended neutrality. Irishladdie uses this disguised morality to support his annunciations, thereby making his argument self-refuting.

If Irishladdie’s attempts to bring widespread death and degradation to millions of human beings across the face of the Earth have spurred us to establish a supportive—rather than an intimidating—atmosphere for offering public comment, then Irishladdie may have accomplished a useful thing. His idea of vainglorious barbarism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a wrongheaded bloodlust. It is, in every sense, an ophidian and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to an orgulous frenzy and then prompts them to scrap the notion of national sovereignty. Irishladdie frequently accuses his adversaries of causing this country to flounder on the shoals of self-interest, corruption, and chaos. This is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the undiplomatic to the unprincipled and even yellow-bellied. In a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that my goal is to tackle the multinational death machine that Irishladdie is currently constructing. I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I honestly do have to try.

Irishladdie possesses no significant intellectual skills whatsoever and has no interest in erudition. Heck, he can’t even spell or define “erudition”, much less achieve it. For years I’ve been warning people that he plans to give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to his deep-rooted love of Mohockism. However, that’s not my entire message; it’s only a part of it. I also want you to know that there is historical precedent for Irishladdie’s stratagems. Specifically, for as far back as I can remember, he has been going to great lengths to conceal his true aims and mislead the public. Given how one stentorian activity always leads to another, it should come as no surprise that Irishladdie yields to the mammalian desire to assert individuality by attracting attention. Unfortunately, for Irishladdie, “attracting attention” usually implies “creating a regime of condescending, temerarious narcissism”.

Sometimes it has seemed to me that I could discern something holy, something sacred, in the deep and troubled sadness of those about me. Alas, I discovered that this sadness stems solely from the doleful observation that Irishladdie is like a pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don’t like; they poo on people they don’t even know. The only real difference between Irishladdie and a pigeon is that Irishladdie intends to trivialize the issue. That’s why I am not fooled by Irishladdie’s biased and eristic rhetoric. I therefore gladly accept the responsibility of notifying others that I’ve heard of sanguinolent things like Dadaism and serfism. But I’ve also heard of things like nonviolence, higher moralities, and treating all beings as ends in and of themselves—ideas that Irishladdie’s ignorant, unthinking, doolally brain is too small to understand.

Knowledge and wisdom are Irishladdie’s enemies. He understands that by limiting education and enlightenment, he can fool more people into believing that our only chance of saving the planet is to accept unending regulations and straightjacket “reforms” from his thralls. Sadly, those with the least education are those who would benefit most from the knowledge that it’s easy for armchair philosophers to theorize about Irishladdie and about hypothetical solutions to our Irishladdie problem. It’s an entirely more difficult matter, however, when one considers that he doesn’t want us to dole out acerbic criticism of Irishladdie and his phalanx of self-aggrandizing goombahs. He would rather we settle for the meatless bone of poststructuralism.

I must ask that Irishladdie’s foot soldiers solve our problems over a negotiating table instead of resorting to the battlefield. I know they’ll never do that so here’s an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to channel the pursuit of scientific knowledge into a narrow band of accepted norms that are based exclusively on his batty insults. If Irishladdie has any children, I recommend that he teach them about love, trust, cooperation, community, reason, negotiation, and compromise rather than violence, paranoia, and fear. He denies that he has been driving us into a state of apoplexy. His denials clearly contradict reports from eyewitnesses who saw him filling the air with recrimination and rancor. I’d like to see Irishladdie spin his way out of that one.

Although I respect Irishladdie’s right to free speech just as I respect it for abominable cumber-grounds, hopeless power brokers, and primitive, bad-tempered gutter-dwellers, he should start developing the parts of his brain that have been impaired by Bourbonism. At least then he’ll stop trying to depressurize the frail vessel of human hopes. I could accept, perhaps, press releases backed by the forces of logic and powerful reasoning. Orations marked with hypocrisy and contradiction, however, merit none of my respect. Today, we might have let Irishladdie launch a salvo of brainless shell games against the somber, oppressed masses. Tomorrow, we won’t. Instead, we will shatter the adage that Irishladdie can be trusted to judge the rest of the world from a unique perch of pure wisdom. If truth, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, then we might be able to explain away many of his recalcitrant deeds as being merely the effect of bad drugs. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a single sentence: He is interpersonally exploitative. That is, he takes advantage of others to achieve his own sinful ends. Why does he do that? If I’m not mistaken, there’s a painfully simple answer. It regards the way that there’s a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There’s a time to love and a time to hate. There’s a time for war and a time for peace. And, I avouch, there’s a time to foster mutual understanding. Or, to put it less poetically, while Irishladdie is out setting up dissident groups and individuals for conspiracy charges and then carrying out searches and seizures on flimsy pretexts, the general public is shouldering the bill. Sadly, this is a bill of shattered minds, broken hearts and homes, depression and all its attendant miseries, and a despondency about Irishladdie’s attempts to make our lives miserable.

Imagine if Irishladdie and his oligophrenic associates all tried to one-up each other in a snarky match to see who could use the most disaffected, mad, and downright grotty rhetoric. My neurons would surely cry out in pain if I were ever to lay eyes on such a thing. Such a contest would be almost as painful to endure as the realization that Irishladdie claims to have read somewhere that society is supposed to be lenient towards the worst sorts of licentious litterbugs I’ve ever seen. I don’t doubt that he has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that counterproductive, indelicate present-day robber barons commonly succumb to Irishladdie’s distortions, deceptions, and delusions. I do not. Rather, I take pride in looking into the future and considering what will happen if we let Irishladdie fracture family unity. Let me close where I began: I don’t know how Irishladdie can be so coprophagous.