America, we’ve all been there. It’s an early morning -crack of dawn- and all you want is some carbs to warm you up and give you some energy to make it till lunch. You start making some coffee or tea, but you need some calories, too. If you’re like most Americans, you make some toast.

According to a poll by Reviewed dot com toast is America’s third most popular breakfast food and climbing, due to recent avocado-related trends. In order to make toast, however, you of course need an appliance to toast your bread

We from Colonel Voltage bring you: The Worst Toaster You’ve Ever Had. Our toaster is deliberately dangerous, completely unreliable, fragile as the dickens, but one of the cheapest and easiest to repair toasters on the market. Our product is guaranteed to push you to the brink of despair every morning, and still have you crawling back 24 hours later.

Our product is dangerous. According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission over 150,000 fires between the years 2007-08 were started by faulty appliances. In addition, it estimates that the hottest part of a toaster is roughly one half-inch deep in. As part of Colonel Electric’s initiative to double that number by the year 2025 our engineers have deliberately placed faulty heat sinks at random points at that height on all of our toasters to increase the risk of starting a fire.

To add icing on the cake, our patented crumb-catchers will keep bits and crumbs of bread in your toaster for years to come, constantly singing and re-singing over and over while you are helpless to dig them out.

Our product is unreliable. Our marketing team used General Electric customer reviews in order to determine what they hated most about our competitor’s products. The chief complaint? Unreliability. To maximize this feature, our product has one singular button to control when the bread goes down, the time and temperature of each heater, the time it stays in, and whether or not the toaster will tell you when it’s done. 

Testing shows that there is a 43% chance of a quality piece of toast being produced, just enough to keep our customers trying.

Our product is fragile. If you ever ding or damage our product it will break -not instantly- but the second you try to use it again. The repair indicator light will only go on while in use, and even when no repairs are necessary it will randomly -but rarely- flicker on, keeping you on your toes whether or not you need to repair your toaster.

At this point, you may be asking yourself “Why would I ever buy this torture machine?” The answer, speaking of repairs: its ease of repair and unbeatable price. Our engineers estimate that anyone who has completed 3 or more LEGO sets in their lifetime can fully repair our product with the included parts. All of this comes at a low price of $20, half that of a typical toaster, as well as a $5 lifetime warranty. 

With this lifeline of a great price and guarantee that our product will last you the rest of your life, Colonel Voltage promises our product is just barely good enough for you to consider purchasing.

Eventually, however, our product will wear you down. One morning those curtains next to the toaster will get just a little too hot. One morning the toast will come out half-charred and half-raw. One morning the toaster will break one to many times. On that morning, you’ll break, too, because here at Colonel Voltage, we believe our customers deserve nothing.

Thank you, and have a wonderful day, America!

(credit to owen, good luck on your pitch!)