‘Twas a fine night on No Nut November, browsing my YouTube feed. Looking at Fortnite videos to give me the least amount of erections as possible, I see a video in my feed. “Attention all Fortnite gamers (upload)” appears in the feed, and for some unexplained reason, my dick immediately stands up. No wait time, it bounces up like a snap. I can’t control myself. I-I have to click it.

The second I do, my dick feels like it’s jerking itself. I’m not touching anything, and it somehow managed to pop directly out of my pants, even with my belt on. The video loaded. Pete’s voice begins. “Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger and he needs your help to wipe out the squads in the tilted towers.” The deeper the sentence gets, the faster the self-jerk gets. “But, to do this, he’ll need a golden scar and a couple of chug jugs. To do this-” It’s reached maximum self-masturbation at this point. I feel like I’m going to nut. I try to hold it in, but I fail. “All he needs is your credit card number” comes up, and I immediately nut.

After he says the sentence, my nut begins to move on its own, from my basement to the wallet upstairs. It grabs it and enters the details on my computer somehow. I try to stop it, but it was too strong and knocked me out. My weak, fragile body, was destroyed by my own weak, fragile body. What I woke up to was a comment in the comment section stating my credit card details, including my full name, street address, phone number and SSN. It also included every other personal detail of me. I’m crying. There’s nothing left to do now. I grab the gun near my desk, and commit seppuku.