Originally posted by u/LoseUrself2D in r/overwatch
I’m making this list based off of vibes + lore, not straight up physical characteristics (i.e. omnics don’t have pubes so they’re last on the list, hammond/winston are all pubes so they’re first, etc). Also, for the sake of brevity, I will be lumping some heroes together.
—————————————————————-
#31: Roadhog
Even though he is a criminal with origins in an apocalyptic wasteland, I’d say he spends extra time in his week grooming himself. Such a curt man gives off a vibe that he has to be squeaky clean down under.
#30: Soldier 76
He’s like a super soldier, right? Don’t you need to have like no body hair to be able to handle any terrain? Plus he runs super fast so that shit’s gotta be streamlined
#29: Mercy
If I’ve learned anything from all the advertisements and video suggestions I keep seeing on certain sites, it’s that Mercy shaves.
#28: Doomfist
He looks dapper as hell, especially in that Formal skin. I think he has to set an example for his Talon members by looking clean at all times. Can’t catch him off guard.
#27: Junkrat
Junkrat probably burned all his pubes off in one of many explosions. The follicles are probably singed right off.
#26-25: Moira & Zarya
Both give off the same vibe imo. Stoic, cool calm collected. Probably shaves so there’s less variables to consider in battle.
#24-23: Genji & Symmetra
Genji’s a cool ass cyber ninja that dashes around, his whole design is sleek and sexy. Why would he even need pubes? Symmetra’s look is also geometric and futuristic, I can’t imagine her having any pubic hair.
#22: Lucio
Such a carefree, happy guy probably shaves but not that much. Like he’d be the type to trim but only if there’s free time. In between shows and saving the world, I don’t blame him if he only has time to shave like only the left half. Also, there’s a Brazilian wax joke here somewhere.
#21: Bastion
Bastion would have hair on his balls. But only on his balls.
#20: Tracer
Tracer can’t shave her pubes because every time she recalled after shaving, her pubes would just go back to the initial state. But I’d expect there to be some pubes before the accident that made her the way she is, so she’d always have the same amount of pubes (unless she doesn’t recall ever)
#19: Widowmaker
Say isn’t it true that French babes don’t shave their pits? If so, then it’s probably true for pubes as well. But it’s probably well-trimmed into some kind of linear shape, for fashion.
#18: Baptiste
Baptiste is one icy motherfucker. He’d have the same pubestyle as Widowmaker but thicker.
#17: Ana
I can’t rank Ana without thinking of my own grandma’s pubes. Man wtf
#16: Hanzo
Cool bro with dope facial hair, I feel like he’s gotta match the set. It just seems right.
#15: Reaper
Same kind of goes with Reaper, but since he’s like kind of gruffy (Soldier 24 skin) I think that he’s maybe 2 weeks into no shaving. Either that or he’s completely hairless because he’s dead and shit
#14: Sombra
With all the sneaking around and spy work, I think that Sombra would have a decent amount of pubes to muffle noise from movement and also reduce chafing. It’s purely a tactical decision.
#13: D.Va
She’s a gamer, that means she automatically doesn’t shave.
#12: Mei
I’m not sure if pubes grow when you’re in cryogenic sleep, but I’d expect hair growth to slow down when you’ve been asleep that long. But I’d expect her to have some because it’s cold in Antarctica.
#11: Wrecking Ball
Probably would trim so he doesn’t make a mess when he’s running around inside that ball of his. He’s a smart guy, he probably has a self-automated grooming system inside there.
#10-9: McCree & Orisa
A cowboy would probably be as well-groomed as his horse, so both McCree and Orisa would have the same pube rank. I don’t expect McCree to really give a shit tho. Plus Orisa wouldn’t be able to shave down there anyway, she only has one thumb. She’d need an experienced handler (i.e. McCree).
#8-7: Pharah & Brigitte
Probably fashionably shaped, like a dog’s nose or something cool. I know that of all people Pharah would need the streamline but she just doesn’t give off that vibe.
#6: Sigma
Sigma seems like the type of person to grow his shit out on purpose. Like he would pay heed to it but not necessarily trim it, just so that it’s a secret only he knows. I expect that kind of neutral mischievousness from him.
#5: Ashe
I can’t explain it, but full bush. Bob too.
#4: Winston
Man’s a scientist who grew up on the moon. What are social norms? Winston wouldn’t know.
#3: Reinhardt
Reckless and bold with the heart of a lion, and a groinal mane the size of one too. I’d expect it to be like his beard. Probably uses special hair product for his pubes to take care of it.
#2: Zenyatta
Do monks also shave down there? I would imagine so, but since they’re celibate who would check? Anyway, Zen probably has a decent amount of pubes because he’s too busy contemplating like life and shit. Plus he floats everywhere so wouldn’t his underside get cold? I’d expect the pubes to act as insulation.
#1: Torbjorn
Torbjorn doesn’t give a fuck. Probably has never shaven a day in his life. When he activates Molten Core, I bet his pubes to light on fire too. Fucking nutcase.
—————————————————————
Bonus: Ganymede
Hmm… tricky one but I think Ganymede would shave if it had thumbs. No reason why.