You kn- you know what- you know what Sakurai should have done? He should have… He should’n- he shouldn’t have softened the blow by saying, “Alright, peace,” y’know, “またね! じゃあ、またね, motherfuckers!” And then he went back in his helicopter, “woopwoopwoopwoopwoop,” y’know. Here’s what he should’ve done, alright? Minecraft Steve; you lead in with Minecraft Steve. That’s the appetizer. That’s the little, like, to get you in the mood. And THEN, when everyone’s going, “HHHOOOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT,” y’know, y’know what happens afterwards? And everybody’s like, “OOHHH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT,” like, “MICROSOOOFT, UH, UH, UH, LIKE, IN SMASH,” and, y’know, it goes from Minecraft Steve, y’know, like digging at- at, uhh, diamonds. And then it pans up on the sky, into the stars, and suddenly… [Halo OST plays] “Chief! We’re getting a message from Earth! Japan!” “Well… it’s time to… finish this fight… TWIIIIIICE” [FFSHHOOOMM] Master Chief! Uhh… cooks a meal! Uh, something, y’know? And then everybody’s going, “EOUGH MY GAHD, OH MY GAWWD, I CANNOTE, I CANNOOTE, I CANNOOOTTT, AAAAAAA” Y’know, and, it’s just… [sighs] And like, oh my god, and, and, he- okay, ready? Ready? And THEN, on top of that, on top of that, when John Halo is coming down onto Earth, y’know, and then they, like, pan DOWN. Y’know, uhh… they pan down. INTO HELL. [DOOM (2016) OST plays] “THE DOOM SLAYEEERRR. FOOOORGED FROM A MILLION SOUUULS. THE DOOM SLAYEEER WENT TO JAPAN AND KICKED SAKURAI’S AAAASS.” And then it’s like, and then, Doomguy, like, [PFFFSHSHHWW] onto the Earth, right? And then, ’cause there’s a lotta demons going around, y’know? And just, uhh, i- it’s just, it’s just chaos, everyone’s like, “FUCKIN’… MASTER CHIEF! MINECRAFT! FUCKIN’ DOOMGUY!” And all these demons are swarming around, and suddenly… there’s a motorcycle [VROOM VROOM VROOMRMMRMRMRMMMMRM] and you see a boot come down, and suddenly… [Devil May Cry OST plays] And you see a pizza on the floor, and he flips into the scene, and it’s like, ‘UUUOOH MEYY FUCKKIING GOOWD I AM GOOANNA DIIIIEEEE I’M GOOANNA DIIIEEEEEEEEE” [phew] It’s just… and people are going fucking. MENTAL. MEEENTALLL! Y’know, and, it’s just… it’s [ppffwsshhchhhwhwrrlbrbrblrbrbrlbrb] Y’know, and then… and then. Then, as everybody’s assembled, as everybody is assembled, out in the sky, you hear, [Star Wars OST plays] “Eh-eh-eh-ehhhh. Dew it. The Jediiii. Mr. Sakuraaaai. You underestimaaate. The powerrrr of the darrrk siiide of the Foorrrce. It’s twreason, den. I lwove demawcracyyyy. I can feeeel youuuurr. Aaaanngerrrr. I can FEEEEL your HATE. For a thousand YEARS. I. DOCTOR. DOCTOR LIGHTSABEEERR. HAVE BEEN REBUILDING THE DEATH EGG WITH DR. ROBOTNIK EGGMAAAN. AND NOW YOU WILL SEEEE THE POWER OF THE DAWK SIIIDE OF THE FOWRRCE.” “THAT’S RRRRRIGHT, PALPATINE! WE WILL GET THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG ONCE AND FOR ALL!! THE MOVIE VERSION TIE-IN WITH THE ACTOR THAT I FORGOT WHAT HIS NAME WAS! COME, PALPATINE! WE MUST PREPARE METAL SONIC! AND! METAL MARIO! COME, JIM CARREY, WHICH IS ALSO ME! AS… THE MASK!!” “ALRIIIGHHTY THEN! SSSMMMOKIN’!” “ARISE, METAL VADEEERRR!” “NOOOOOOO…. WHO WILL STOP THIS UNSTOPPABLE TERROR IN THE SKIES? WHO WILL DEFEND PLANET EARTH? EXCEPT…” [SCHWING!] And you see a star in the sky, like, light up. And then, suddenly, [GASP] OH! OH! Comes up [PPWSGFGDSGFCGSG] “HEARD YOU GUYS WERE HAVIN’ A PARTY!” “OUUH MY GAWD! OUGH MY GAUD I’M GONNA NUT LIKE A FIRE HOOOSE! OOOUHH MY GAAAD AAAAAAAAAA HOOO HOOO [PPPSSSRCCHWUURYYRUR] OOUHH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT GOKU WAS CONTROLLED BY…” “Palpatine. He is- he retuurrwns to the dawrrk siiide of the FOOWWRCCCE. You see, Goku… Not only-” [cough cough] Turning into Bulk Bogan! “Not only did I control you, I also controlleDHHWAUUWIAAHHH… the only one strong enough to take you down: Kakarot!” [gasp] My god. MY GOD. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. SUUUUPERMAAAAN! Ohhh my god I’m doin’ jazz hands. Doomguy! Superman! Jim Carrey! Fuck it, EVERYBODY’S in Smash! No one is left. That’s right! They say that only video game characters can get in. That’s RIGHT! SUPERMAN, MAN OF STEEL! SUPERMAN 64! FASTER THAN A BULLET! POWERFUL ENOUGH TO… FLY THROUGH RINGS! But suddenly! You’re like, “Uh oh. What’s that?” And you see, you go into space again and it goes even further, like [pshcoompshoomshoomwshwoompshcoomposoommpscoom] And then, it scrolls down, slowly, slowly, and suddenly… [GASP] Oh my god… I’m gonna have a heart attack… “Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations.” Ladies and gentlemen… He’s IN! “To boldly go where no man has gone before!” MUSCULAR PICARD! “Tea, earl grey, hot.” But then, THEN! Y’know, you- you see the Enterprise , just [schhewwwopf] over to Earth, but they don’t- they don’t follow it to Earth. They just [psschoooom] towards Earth, y’know? Even though you would see it, but whatever, whatever. And they start panning out a little bit, bit by bit, bit by bit… guess what happens? [GASP] [You Can’t Touch Mormon Jesus plays] Alright, now- now here’s the ultimate culmination of this, right? As all this shit is happening, it zooms out and it turns out, it’s like, wait a minute. It’s like a still image, y’know, like, how’d this work? Zooms out a little bit more. And a little bit more, and it turns out… it’s a fucking CANVAS. [Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting theme plays] “Hi. I’m Bob Ross. Tonight, we’ll be painting a beautiful picture of cartoon violence.” BOB ROSS BEATS THE DEVIL OUT OF IT! [pscheewww!] Y’know. Okay, so after all that shit, after all that dumb shit, after all that dumb shit, right? From Bob Ross looking at the thing, it turns out it’s a TV, and it zooms out a little bit more, and suddenly… it’s a video game. Someone turns around and… m y g a m e .