I’ve been watching a lot of videos of suicides. I like to observe how slowly or quickly they pull the trigger and what their skulls and meat looks like spilled out. I am not being fetishistic about it, I am just trying to get more comfortable with the mental image of me dead and what I would particularly look like and how my skull would burst open and stuff. I want to find more where the family discovers them after they kill themselves. It’s horrible to listen to their whole worlds violently collapse in a quarter of a second but I just want to desensitize myself to the thought. It’s also a rare emotion, the purest and most lurid form of “sadness”? (I don’t know what you would call that. Shock? I’ve been forgetting vocabulary a lot). I just notice that blank stare that my family looks at me with and I want to be able to approximate what it would sound like if they screamed at my maimed head. Then they wouldn’t look at me like that anymore. I am not good at picking up emotions or feelings in other people so I need extremes to register things clearly. I don’t know. I don’t really seem to feel “emotions”, or I don’t know what emotions they are. It’s like a whole new emotion, the lack of all emotions. It’s kind of like calling something dry wet. I can’t tell how these videos make me feel. They’re just kind of dead, and that’s it. That’s all right I guess. I look at my face in the mirror as if I’m alive, but I really want to see my dumb mouth slightly agape with my slimy brains trickling out. That is a more definitive facial “expression” than anything I am capable of. I am a zombie. I am a grain of rice in a human shell. I am nothing. I don’t really exist. The last thing that makes me somewhat feel something are old photos of my parents holding me as a baby. I want whatever that is again but it’s cold and distant like old photographs tend to be. Maybe that kind of stuff doesn’t matter though. Trigger, wad cutter, back of ear. Neither black or white.