They pull their 5 dollars bill with a big smile, not only completely oblivious to the fact that this currency has no usage here but also convinced that they’re doing you a favor.

Obviousfickingly they’re doing you a favor ! They give you ‘murican dowlers ! And five of em at that ! You primitive europoor could live a whole week with that, including drinkable water if only you can find some in your wasteland ! They’re so proud to hand you their bill and they behave as if to say “no need to thank me, gentle savage, I am indeed such a generous savior”. If you’d let them, they’d call you Friday ! Sometimes, they end their words with “o”, “a” or “i” like a parody of Italian or Spanish so that you will understand better : “you understando ? This [waving the bill under your nose] dollaro. Very money, mucho mucho rich ! You take la billa 5 dollaro, si ?!”

Then you explain them you can’t accept it and they throw a tantrum, they look at you, upset, as if you didn’t understand that they hand you US dollars, how stupid can you be to refuse them ? They give you more than an obscene amount of money, they give you power ! Refusing this chance you won’t ever have again in your life, this takes some nerves and a half, I tell you !

And then you calmly tell them “I understand your reaction. However, even if I accept them, and, as I already explained, I won’t, you ordered two coffees. This is five dollars, you would still need to add two more to equal the sum you owe me”.

And there, mate, there you went one step too far. You unleashed the beast. You asked for your café to become the new Stalingrad. Now, it’s personal ! They loose their shit so much and hard you’d believe this idiom is litteral. They scream at you, they are convinced that you lie to scam them, they can’t even believe it, they threaten you, they explain once again how wrong you are and justify it by the well known fact that you can’t do basic math since your schools aren’t to US’s standards, they lecture you and yell while explaining to you what you didn’t understand.

At some point, after so much refusal, they become really angry : you refuse their money so you refuse them as clients and thus you refuse US citizens (well, “americans”, as they say, because obviously USA and Americas are the same thing), which is a crime, mate. You are so backward and uncivilised that you don’t even know that US citizens have every right all over the world ! And they try to fight, they threaten to call the FBI to shut your shitty caff down ! This could earn you a loooong time behind bars, you know that ? This is discriminatory/racist/illegal/[whatever bullshit law they make up like “denial without notice” or “unlawful disacceptance” or the likes, you know, that sounds “like a law or something”].

And they go away towards new adventures, yelling and cursing against everything they see, hear, smell and walk on while reminding you how bad you speak English wherehas you talked to them in a perfect and proper English (arguably a moderately good USglish, although I don’t consider this a valid argument) since the moment they sat their fat ass on (and also next to, at the same time) your chairs.

Living it is horrible for a waiter, but surviving to tell the tale… Mate, that’s priceless !