My answer will be split into two parts, when we ask who is getting the best head? it really comprises of who is giving the best head? and also who is experiencing maximum pleasure? We’ll start with the latter over the former:

1. ⁠Who is experiencing the maximum pleasure?

I have two different theories, but in either scenario, Alvin can be immediately ruled out. Based on personality alone, we can assume that Alvin jerks his shit with a death grip, most likely while looking in the mirror. I would even speculate that Alvin goes as far as constructing homemade fleshlights, edging for hours, and consuming copious amounts of JOI (Jerk Off Instruction) pornography. There’s no chance in hell he’s feeling a lot, and if anything, he probably vastly prefers his own touch.

This leaves us with Simon or Theodore, and this is where things get interesting. Theodore is a fat idiot, so he probably masturbates when he’s not stuffing his face, contingent on if he can even find his cock or not. Simon on the other hand, is a complete hugless, kissless nerd. Simon has never even seen female genitalia or mammaries outside of a biology textbook. Sure, he might masturbate occasionally, but Simon also seems like the kind of dude that’s afraid of his own foreskin.

I can say with high confidence that Simon is likely the one getting his world shattered, regardless of the quality of the sloppy top he is getting, which is exactly what I’ll get into the next section.

2. Who is giving the best head?

Similar to the my previous answer, we’re going to rule out Brittany (paired with Alvin) immediately. As Alvin’s female counterpart, she’s the “face” of her group and she’s the “pretty” one, and speaking from personal experience, pretty girls are usually pretty bad at sex because they’re accustomed to someone else doing all of the work. There’s a probability that she’s promiscuous to the point of actually having some sort of technique, but I don’t see her as being particularly enthusiastic about giving blowjobs.

Next, let’s talk about Jeanette (paired with Simon). We’ve already established that Simon is a very strong contender for experiencing the most pleasure, and it’s mainly due to his own sexual inexperience. Being Simon’s counterpart, Jeanette is likely also entirely lacking in experience, so her head game is probably weak as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, she might be certainly enthusiastic about it (which is a very important factor in giving head), but nobody is good at doing something for the first time.

This leaves us with Eleanor (paired with Theodore), and this is the key contributor to my theory that Theodore is technically receiving the best head. What do we know about Eleanor? Like Theodore, she’s a stupid lardass, which leads me to my first point:

She likes to stuff her face.

Secondly, fat chicks are usually incredibly enthusiastic about sex, since they rarely get it and are attention-depraved by men in general, again speaking from personal experience. These two things lead me to believe that Eleanor probably has some crazy head game. Like couch-armrest-gripping level head, potentially even with a grapefruit technique level of skill, but there’s no grapefruit required. I would say it’s extremely likely Theodore is receiving the best head, but it’s ultimately a 50/50 split on who is experiencing the most pleasure. It’s up to you to decide how exactly to interpret the question posed.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.