Now guys, I get this question a lot: “If I want to earn a bachelors in physics from Harvard, but I don’t have an absolutely stellar high school career, what is my best course of action to get to Harvard?”

I believe I have a foolproof solution to this problem. However, there are some minimum requirements for this undertaking, namely a strong understanding of particle physics and nuclear chemistry, as well as some experience with engineering.

First, assemble several thermonuclear weapons. You will want at least 4, just in case, and they should all have a theoretical yield of at least 5-10 megatons. The creation of the bomb itself, without perishing in the process, will represent a very thorough and impressive understanding of physics (something that is sure to catch a Harvard admissions officer’s eye).

You will want the 1st bomb placed at least 5 feet underground, preferably beneath a gas pipeline, at the campus of Harvard university. Now, you’re going to want to get in contact with Harvard admissions officers and let them know that you have a thermonuclear bomb on their campus. Of course, they wont believe you, so you will detonate the 2nd bomb, which will have been placed at an ivy-league university of your choice (princeton, cornell, whatever) and the campus will be razed to the ground. Harvard will be taken aback by this show of force and will take your demand more seriously. In case they contact government authorities, detonate the 3rd bomb, placed near the Pentagon, housed a cleared vehicle like a broadcast truck. There should be far less government interference after you essentially eradicated the department of defense. Keep the 4th bomb in reserve, close to your place of residence, preferably in a sealed room or well-hidden basement.

Lastly, create a program that links the detonation system of the bomb to your heart rate (a monitor like pulsoid). Ensure everyone is aware that if your heart rate flatlines, the bombs will be automatically detonate. This will allow you to bluff threats and prevent you from being killed. If you are about to be captured, then just take out everyone along with you. At least you will have a pretty high k/d, if nothing else. Most importantly, make sure you improvise along the way, if anything goes awry.

How can Harvard possibly say no?