I fully understand why my dog barks at the mailman and tears the mail out of his hand when he puts it through the slot. Shit I even do it with him on most days. I see that mother fucker walking up the street with his circa 1990 walkman headphones on and I just become filled with rage. Me and my dog both know what to do and we race to the door and start barking and growling. Sometimes he pretends he doesn’t notice us so I will open up the door and pretend like Im gonna release my dog. My dog is a 130 pound newfoundland who couldn’t hurt a fly, but his bark sounds mean and the mailman doesn’t know how nice he is. Opening up the door usually puts the jump back in his step and he retreats from my property. like who does this mother fucker think he is? I don’t want your damn mail!

The guy has tried to get transferred to a different route twice but I like tormenting him so I made sure his replacements would quit so that he would have to come back. The first time a new guy came I could tell my dog was disappointed, so I knew I had to do something. The next day I waited on my roof and when he walked up the front sidewalk I launched a home depot bucket full of dog shit and rain water at him. Fucking direct hit, he dropped to the ground whimpering. He didn’t get up so I started ripping shingles of my roof and throwing those at him, I think I got him in the eye because he grabbed his face and started sprinting away.

anyways yeah, fuck mailmen amirite?