I like hentai as much as the next guy, but hentai and even normal porn feel so dull now. I can’t really get into any fetishes because they’re too weird for me. Of course, I still do get horny sometimes and do beat my meat every few days, but it’s always forced just so I can get a few free molecules of dopamine. Me from a year ago would see anime titties and be like “ayo that’s some good shit” but now when I see them I’m just like “that’s crazy bro but I’m here to see explosions and all I’m seeing is tits.” Every day I feel less and less horny. It’s not easy to arouse me these days. I’ve even looked at porn from boredom and felt nothing unless I really put in the effort to feel something. There’s no automatic reaction anymore. On top of that, I have zero interest in romance either, which makes getting a girlfriend completely pointless.
Here’s the fun part though. I see these changes as a good thing. My mind doesn’t get overflown with lewd thoughts, so it’s easier for me to think clearly. I’m uninterested in romance as well, so I literally never simp anymore. I actually used to be a bit of a simp, not a major one but like a minor one. I still prioritized bros before hoes, but there were some times when I got close to prioritizing hoes before bros, which I felt really bad about when I realized what was happening. I went up to the bros after realizing this and deeply apologized. That experience is probably a major contribution to my lack of interest in romance/sex.
Another thing is that I’m an absolute recluse. I avoid people whenever I can, unless the specific person isn’t surrounded by other people and I really want to spend time with them. In the times when I’ve had a girlfriend, I felt chained down by my obligation to spend time with her regularly or else she’d stop liking me. My last girlfriend(who I broke up with about a year ago) was actually way more understanding and accepting of my problems than literally any other girl I’ve ever dated. She told me that if I ever needed alone time or just to spend time with my friends, I can just say so and she’ll be fine with it. I of course spent a lot of time with her too though. I felt my mental condition diminishing though. I was spending more time with people than what I could handle because I had to divide it. I broke up with her mainly because of my mental health issues, and she was really understanding and told me she’d still love to be my friend. We actually are friends to this day and text somewhat often, so she wasn’t lying.
I regularly need to spend a lot of time in isolation. I have a friend who I call all the time to play games. We play games almost every day, but we also spend times where we barely call for weeks at a time. What I like about that is that it’s not because of bad blood or anything dumb like that. It’s just because we feel like it. When we find something we want to binge play together, we do so and catch up on what went on in our lives during that away time while we play. We pick up right where we left off. We’ve actually discussed how that happens and agreed that it’s a good thing because we do have lives outside of each other so it’s probably healthy for us to take breaks from each other sometimes. What this has to do with romance is that I can’t have something like that with a girlfriend. I can’t just say I want a few weeks to myself with a dumb excuse like “I feel like it.”
My lack of romantic and sexual urges was probably caused by my crippling depression and mild trauma, but I think it’s good. In that way, my mental issues have actually given me something good. I feel free now. I do what I want when I want and nobody has any reason to stop me. I don’t spend time beating off so I have more time to do the things I actually want to do. It’s easier to think clearly now because my mind doesn’t get clouded by thoughts of sex. I don’t have even the slightest urge to simp and treat girls the same way I’d treat guys without even needing to think about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’d kill to be normal, but this is something I’d want to keep. It’s a silver lining. I used to beat myself up a lot about how I’m not normal and I’m some sort of freak, but this new development is making me feel more confident about the fact that I’m mentally fucked. I got thrown into the depths of despair and began clawing my way out, with something precious in hand. When I started developing these issues, I was losing many different parts of myself that I think are necessary for being human, but I lost a lot of bad parts of me too!
To all the people out there who are mentally ill or have some sort of disorder, put in some effort, then you might end up like me and get something good out of that horrible thing that caused you so much pain. This didn’t happen because of some sort of therapy or spiritual bullshit, it happened because I tried being optimistic. I looked at what’s happening to me and found something good among all of the bad things. Nothing more, nothing less.