Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven minutes now, and I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: orcas should have carried a 1911.

Here’s why:

Think about how quickly the entire OWWIII (Oceanic-World War III) would have ended if all of those big dolphins had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

Big ass squid? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about it’s Super Ink Beam? Wear ink mitigating goggles. The ink is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it–you’re looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the ocean would be if Shamu had put a breeching charge on the SeaWorld wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only seals seems to a problem with clubbing? Maybe it’s because orcas have spent the last 200 years flipping sharks, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for japanese fishing boats over their pods. Meanwhile, seals have been coats. Remember: gun-control means that sharks win. God made baby fish and God made sharks, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a shark could just shark charge someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also shark charge a boat (as they do many times throughout books/movies). But which is faster: pulling some knots or pulling a trigger?

Chompy Chompy, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Shamu out in the sea, wearing his blowhole, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Hammerheads into pink mist, scratching a clam shell into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think the Sea Shepherds have any annoying shit that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. A nurse shark’s teeth may be 13.5 inches with a calcium-enriched core, but Shamu’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Brucey wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some lemon juice and salt for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now…Jaws roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Shamu that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven sequels only to have Shamu give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire universe:

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

And that is why orcas should have carried a 1911.