So this happened last night and I’m not sure how this is going to end. I’d like to begin by stating I am not a perv. That being said, I may have done something pervy and I now hate myself. This fuck up is innocent enough, I think, but the implications are terrible. I’ll let you be the judge.

So yesterday my lovely, beautiful, 35 year old wife went to her grandmothers house to help clean out her old room. She lived with her in her high school years because her mother moved away and she didn’t want to change schools, so she stayed. Her room at grandmas has gone pretty much untouched since she moved in with me, 16 years ago. Anyways, she got home late last night and was very excited to show me some of her treasures for decades past that she recovered from her childhood bedroom. Unfortunately her show-and-tell session coincided with a playoff game so she did not have my undivided attention (even though the Titans clearly had it in the bag, you have to watch until the end just in case). She showed me her sketch book, (very nice dear, you could have been an artist) an article she wrote that was published in a local newspaper (wow babe, you coulda been a journalist… FUMBLE!) and some other stuff. Then she breaks out a dusty photo album from the good old days of disposable cameras. I got detailed history of every picture of her, her friends, her siblings, people she doesn’t even remember, places that no longer exist… I was not paying attention. I’ll admit that. She flipped through page after page as she sat beside me on the couch and I glanced at the pictures, and gave my obligatory “that’s nice” or “wow, look at that” response.

Everything was going peachy. Until she flipped the page, and said “this is a picture of me at the beach” and I glanced. And it was her in a bikini. Her, my wife, in a bikini. I said “daaaaaamn”. And looked back at the TV. Silence from her. I feel something is wrong. I can feel her eyes on the side my face. I said the wrong thing. What did I do? I risk a peek at her face; she is shocked. I have obviously grown a grotesque second head on my shoulder, because the look on her face could not be the result of anything less.

“What?” I ask stupidly.

What the FUCK does that mean? I show you a picture of me when I was 15 FUCKING YEARS OLD and you say “daaaaaamn?” You find that fucking attractive?! You are disgusting! I have no answer, I just kinda look at her wishing she’d start laughing at let me know she’s fucking with me. But no, the same expression of rage and disappointment. I don’t know what to do. I kinda stuttered out “but… but it’s you! You know… younger I guess but you’re hot. I’m sorry, you’ve always been hot. What the fuck am I supposed to say? She tells me that the little girl in the picture no longer exists, that’s it’s not her but a memory and that I am a weirdo. I have nothing to say, I just want this conversation to be over. There are 4 minutes left in the fourth quarter. I get the brilliant idea to say “look, I wasn’t paying attention let me see the picture again I’m sure you aren’t hot”. Smoooooth.

I won’t go in to too much detail about the rest of the conversation but suffice it to say that I am sleeping on the couch and should apparently be on a list of folks to keep an eye on. All I wanted to do was watch football.