First of all, you are probably here out of concern for your child and that is understandable. From a parent’s perspective this can probably be seen as something ridiculous right? But as crazy as it may sound, this does not change the fact that babies think they are entitled to stare and pull faces at you in the supermarket. This makes I and many others very uncomfortable where I sometimes feel inclined to punch them in the face. Furthermore, I also think we should tape their mouths shut until they are old enough to start speaking words. As a man, I am constantly on the edge in hostile environments such as corner stores and school playgrounds. If I am walking through one of these places and hear a “goo” or “ga”, this could potentially be misinterpreted for “square up” or “worldstar”. So as you can probably see babies only ever add complications to the mix.

With the way parents raise their children these days it is no secret that many of them will be incapable of adhering to these new rules, and so to further emphasise the danger and potential harm these babies are capable of, I think we should enforce severe punishment where they will be sentanced to life without parole. We all know that the prison system is not perfect and so I think we should also make them work, if these babies are given working hours as an additional consequence for their actions then they will soon understand the harsh reality of life. Maximum security also seems fit. Instead of prison shanks and gang warfare, these prisoners will be preoccupied with sleepless nights and diaper changing. So in reality, it rehabilitates both the babies and the adult men. Think about it, they’ll be going to book clubs and making sandwiches!

Babies are gross, they spit and throw things and can’t eat properly! They are useless, they eat your food and take your money. These creatures are not functioning members of society and they think they can just stare at people and make them feel awkward. This is not acceptable and hopefully the person reading this will think that too! For too long have we been opressed by these self-entitled crotch goblins and it is time we put our foot down and say “NO!” to these weird babies that stare at us! They twist and turn their heads, and stare into your soul whilst you’re on your way to work or buying food. Do you remember doing that when you were a baby? Yup, I don’t either bud. So let’s change this once and for all!

Here’s a personal account regarding the horror I once felt that hopefully you and many others can sympathize with! On a particularly sunny day, I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. I put on my wire frame glasses and combed back my receding hairline, I wore my sketchers, blue denim jeans and light brown jacket. After throwing the remains of my TV dinner at the girl in my basement I swiftly locked the door and left for work. On my way to my job as a pediatrician, I was overwhelmed with a sudden sense of joy as I looked across me and saw a childrens playground. On approaching the playground, a baby looked at me. His eyes far apart, mouth wide open and speaking in a tone I just can’t respect. This was the last time I had ever encountered a baby and it was 20 minutes ago, I’m sitting in the back of a cop car whilst I write this please help oh god oh fuck