You gotta be shitting me, Borkleberry. I didn’t expect this of you. You are really underestimating our boy Yoshi? The same badass motherfucker that carried a slightly obese Italian across multiple dimensions? The same non-specific lizard guy that murders mushrooms that were just doing their duty by the thousands? The same tax rascal that is the protagonist of “Yoshi’s Story,” which is literally an allegory for anti-colonialism and reclaiming one’s own identity?

I know everyone knows this stuff, but it is still valuable to give further context. Baby Bowser, colonizing sack of shit that he is, shows up and takes Yoshi and his boys’ super happy tree. These are the ecological backbone to the Yoshi species, they fucking need that shit like you and I need goddamn water and oxygen. This made the Yoshi start to get sick, and if this wasn’t Nintendo some of them absolutely would have died (some actually did, Big Nintendo won’t tell you this. Huge oversight, great dishonor). They all become fucking nihilists (shut the fuck Donny, you’re out of your element). **Until the prophecy, the six eggs that survived,** lead by The Big Y himself decided to go fuck up Baby Bowser’s Baby Bitch ass. Again, I know you are reading this right now and going “ugh, FuckYeahPhotography Sensei, I already know about Yoshi’s Story! It is the most acclaimed masterpiece of a generation! Please show us your secret power moves.”

You have burning ambition, but you are still a thousand years too early for my moves. As for the The Big Yoshi 6, you only know what The Elites allowed you to know. This is the real deal. Seriously, would you be dumb enough to fuck with [this squad](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/yoshi/images/a/a0/Title_Screen_-_Japanese_-_Yoshi%27s_Story.png/revision/latest?cb=20120511230758) after you made the grave mistake of fucking with their favorite tree? Of course not, just look in their eyes, they would die for one another at any given moment (yes even the Yellow one that is asleep, he was up late studying for his ‘How to Jump High with Fat People on You’ class, don’t bother him). Through trials and tribulations and licking A LOT OF SHIT weird shit they don’t even have to say what the strategy is anymore. They already know what to do, whose job is what, and how fucked the enemy is. They murdered ghosts, lava monsters, giant angry fish demons, so many battles. To save their tribe, to secure the tree.

Vietnam Veterans look at the Big Yoshi 6 and pledge to them instead. After a journey that is so ‘epic’ that they go through a ***literal storybook*** to get to the castle. No, I’m not memeing. The narrative is so goddamn clean that they are able to tie it into this real life storybook they need to interact with while slaughtering Baby B’s minions. They are actually writing an epic story, like The Odyssey, except our protagonist doesn’t murder dozens of men for assuming he died after being gone for decades (that was fucked up Homer, they didn’t even bang your wife, they were just hanging out and eating popcorn chicken or something idk, there was better solvency you fucking sociopath).

The only real crime Yoshi commits is of course tax fraud, but he does it for the klout. That dude has so many fucking eggs for these trying times. Of course, they stomped the shit out of Baby B. And even after Baby Bowser tried to lowkey genocide his people Yoshi being such a Gigachad that it should replace Gigabowser in Smash decided to let that little bitch live. Probably to reflect on how his father’s shadow will always be over his. But you do know what Yoshi did do.. he got the fucking Super Happy Tree back. For his people. Then him and his boys and not genocided race of arbitrary lizard people had a dance party around it. They also ate a lot of fruit… with faces… that are sentient, but that shit is straight fucked. However, are you gonna call them out on it and see what happens to you and your financial security? Damn right you aren’t.

**Yoshi isn’t just** ***bad.*** **He’s the baddest dude in the goddamn game. Show some respect for the objectively best character to choose in Mario Kart.**