My friend, you have met a terrible, terrible demise. But, uh, you know, I- I don’t feel too bad about it. After all, if… if it weren’t for me, it would’ve just been from someone else, you know? I guess what I’m trying to say is, life- life goes on.
W- well, from- for everyone else, life goes on, not- not for you, y- you’re dead. That’s neither here nor there. It reminds me of one summer day in the park, I was just having a delightful picnic with my good friend Orville. And I said to him, I said, “Orville, I- I have a story,” and he said to me, “What’s the significance of this story?” and… I said to him, “O- Orville, not every story has to have significance, you know?” Sometimes, uh- you know, sometimes a story is just a story. You try to read into every little thing and find meaning in everything anyone says, you’ll just- drive yourself crazy, had a friend do it once; wasn’t pretty, we talked about it for years. A- And not only that, but- you’ll likely end up believing something you shouldn’t believe, and thinking something you shouldn’t think, o- or assuming something you shouldn’t assume, you know? “Sometimes,” I said, “uh, a story is- is just a story, so just be quiet for one second of your life and eat your sandwich, okay?” Of course, it was only then I realised I made sandwiches, and poor Orville was… having such difficulty eating it. Elephants have those clumsy hands, you know? A- Actually, I- I- I suppose that’s the problem. They don’t have hands at all, do they? They’re f- they’re all feet! I- I- I couldn’t imagine someone asking me to eat a sandwich with my feet… Now, if I recall correctly there was a bakery nearby- I said to him, “Orville- l- lemme go get you some rye bread.” …Now I’m unsure if elephants enjoy rye bread, but, I assure you that Orville does. Now, this was on a Tuesday, which was good because rye bread was always fresh on Tuesday- they made sourdough bread on Monday and threw it out Wednesday- or rather, they sold it at a discount for people wanting to feed the ducks, and then probably at the end of the day, finally they threw it all out, I- I- I don’t recall. I do remember a man who would bring his son to the bakery every Wednesday, and- and go feed the ducks. He would buy all of the sourdough bread- of course, you know, you’re not supposed to feed the ducks sourdough bread at all. It swells up in their stomach and then they all die. It, uh- at least- at least, that’s what I’ve heard. You know, I- I never saw any ducks die myself, but I did notice a substantial decrease in the duck population over the course of a few years. I just never thought to stop the man and tell him that he was killing the ducks by feeding them sourdough bread. And if you want my opinion on the matter- heh, and I told Orville this as well- if you wanna feed ducks, or birds of any kind for that matter, it’s best to buy seed. I mean, when you think about it, breads of any sort don’t occur in nature. They don’t grow on trees or- or spring up from the bushes. I don’t think birds know what to do with bread. …What was I saying? Oh, oh yes, yes- so I bought Orville some rye bread. What a fine day it was.