As every writer knows, all characters need flaws to keep them interesting. Logically, this means that the best way to make an awesome character is to make them a disgusting piece of human garbage with no redeeming qualities. However, for some reason I can’t fathom, the writers keep giving their characters these “positive traits”, sometimes going to the point of parody and making them “good people”. This is such a stupid trope I will now rant about how much I hate it because hatred is all I ever feel and I can’t comprehend any other emotions.

First of all, positive traits are totally unrealistic. As we all know, real-life people never do anything good and spend all their time scheming in their damp caves about how to best torment one another, until they starve to death on the streets while all the pedestrians are laughing at their misery. Anything else is just a pipe dream you’d have to be unbelievably naive to believe. You may be able to find some example of selfless behavior to prove me wrong, but I will always be able to twist it in some way to support my stupidly cynical view of the world. Charity workers are just doing it for the attention, goddammit!

The works most guilty of denying that fundamental truth are comic books, specifically the superhero ones. There is so much talk about “heroism” and “responsibility” that it makes me want to vomit. There is no way a person with power would ever use it for good, especially if they aren’t under some kind of oversight. To imply otherwise is stupid and fascist, like all comic books are. The only way I can accept superheroes is if they’re edgy antiheroes or if they cleverly parody superhero tropes, like the guys from Watchmen, the only superhero comic I’ve ever read. I’m sure there is nothing wrong with getting my knowledge of the genre from a satirical work. Analyzing tropes based on what they are and how they work in regular stories might lead me to conclude they aren’t that bad and can be enjoyed without being parodied, and where’s the fun in that?

Anyways, what annoys me about superheroes, in particular, is their unwillingness to kill their opponents. I just don’t get why some random nerd who was gifted with superpowers and just seeks to help people would be opposed to killing, even when it’s clearly a better thing to do from a cold, emotionless, utilitarian perspective. Deontological convictions are just so *lame* and the fact that there are plenty of heroes who do kill doesn’t make this any better. All characters should follow one type of morality, the one cynical enough for me to accept. By simply complying with the law and putting criminals in jail, the “heroes” do nothing good other than being bootlickers by upholding the Status Quo. (You saw that? I implied that the Status Quo is bad without explaining what I think is bad about it so that I don’t alienate anyone by presenting actual views. I am very smart)

Oftentimes these “good person” tropes are not only stupid but also horribly sexist. Too often when I see a female character, they are given stereotypical traits such as being *cheerful,* or *caring,* or even *pleasant to be around.* They often need help from other people and, worse yet, help other people as if they owed them something. These characters are obviously just there for the sake of male fantasy – which like every other fantasy is obviously bad – of incels who never met a woman in their lives. Real women are all toxic, perpetually smug jerks who only interact with men to verbally roast them and occasionally kick them in the balls, all to show how strong they are. This is the only way to make a female character strong and having her show the qualities of a normal human being only takes away from that.

Aside from being sexist, “good people” tropes are very often racist as well. Most works that touch upon the subjects of racism and intolerance are sympathetic to the colonizers by not portraying the victimized group as justified no matter what they do. The only minority characters portrayed as good are the ones that prove they’re “one of the good ones” by being good people. I hate it. Aang should have killed Ozai and made a trophy from his head. Pocahontas should have heroically lead her tribe to war and got everyone slaughtered. Victimized groups should only be portrayed as violent savages with no ability to empathize, forgive or seek non-shitty solutions so that I can feel better about being a piece of garbage in real life by telling myself I’m oppressed too.

Speaking of oppression, I hate how revolutions tend to be presented in media. As proven by Internet historians, all revolutionaries are no better than the oppressors and are bound to become oppressors themselves once things go full-circle. They must be either religious fanatics or xenophobic nationalists like all real-life rebels are. Star Wars rebels should be bound by wanting to commit genocide or something; Wishing to abolish the obviously evil Empire and restore the previous system just isn’t a realistic motivation, you know?

That’s not to say the establishment should be better. Even in works that don’t have any kind of revolution in them, the people in power should all be presented as diabolically corrupt and evil. The military should be willing to nuke their own nation on a whim. Businessmen should be opposed by the heroes even when they’re just developing an empty piece of land or offering people career opportunities. Policemen need to be corrupt pricks and an obstacle to the real heroes, who are also corrupt pricks because of having power. It’s not enough that you portray *some* members of a powerful group as immoral – putting on a uniform or a suit should instantly turn the wearer into Satan. Some self-absorbed comedians told me that the purpose of entertainment is to attack the people in power, so do away with nuance and put the ACAB shirts on. (Just don’t target the people in power who say stuff I like. There have to be some limits)

So yeah, this is how you write your characters well. You make them into irredeemable monsters no matter what. I just gave you some free advice, no need to thank me. Wait, does that mean I just did something selfless? Oh no, the pain! Aaaaa…