So…the following, while just my opinion, is one developed after at least a decade of consuming subs at work an average of twice a week. So forgive me for speaking with some authority on the matter.

Ok…first of all…the order is 12 inch cold cut combo on either white, or Italian herb and cheese. No extra meat…but you’re gonna wanna order double cheese. Regular white cheese and cheddar.

As far as toppings go…I stick with what isn’t gonna make a soggy mess out of my sammy, since it’s gonna sit in my lunch pail from the time I pick it up on the way to work, until a good 5 or 6 hours later when I break for lunch. So forego the tomatoes, pickles and hot peppers, (even though they’re delicious) and stick with just lettuce and onions. I’m not a big fan of green peppers on my sub…but if that’s your thing, I’ll allow it. Get those disgusting black olives outta there. You wanna ruin a good sub?

Sauce consists of their standard sub sauce ON THE SIDE. I cannot emphasize that strongly enough. They have little containers for that oily goodness. If they say they don’t, or give you a hard time about it…leave that Subway and go to the one down the street. They’re everywhere. Don’t stand for a substandard location. There’s no reason to.

Now…when it’s time to consume your sub…you might be tempted to just dump the sauce on it and go to town. That would be a huge mistake. There are a couple of crucial steps you must perform first…to get maximum enjoyment from that bad boy.

Get two paper towels. Open up one of the two halves, and onto the first paper towel, scrap off all the lettuce and onion, and set it aside.

Next…if you’ll notice…the stack of meat and cheese is a fair bit wider than the bread. So either a good portion of it is sticking out the side of the bun, or it’s doubled over along one side, or some combination of both. This arrangement is entirely unacceptable.

To correct this situation…you’ll need to remove the stack of meat and cheese. Place it on the second napkin, and using a knife, slice it lengthwise right down the middle. You will be left with two strips…one side of each will be perfectly straight (where it was sliced) and the other side irregular. Now take one slice and lay it down with the straight side running along the bread were the two halves meet. Take the other slice and lay it down with the straight side running along the outside edge of the bread. They will overlap a little in the middle…which is what you want, and obviously superior to having them overlap or hang out one side of your sub. You will be left with an arrangement that is symmetrical…the right and left sides being basically the same.

The next step is warming it up. Using the napkin on which you just sliced the meat ‘n’ cheese stack…wrap the sub half up, and place it in a microwave. Heat it for 44 seconds, at 70% power. This will soften the bread, melt the cheese a little, and sweat the meat ever so slightly. Remove the sub from the microwave, unwrap it, and open it up again.

You may now put your toppings back on. Make sure they are evenly distributed and run from the very front of the sub-half, to the very back of it. Next, pour on some sub-sauce. Don’t go crazy with that shit though. Often the “sandwich artist” will ask if you want one tub of sauce or two. Always tell them one is fine. It’s actually more than enough. Drizzle some on (about a third of what you get in the little tub) and finish the whole thing off with a dash of salt, and a few liberal shakes of black pepper.

It’s time now. Begin consuming your sub immediately. Do not allow time for it to cool down, nor for the sauce to soggify the bread. You’ve got about a three minute window to crush that thing before optimal conditions diminish. Only after you’ve eaten the first half…either right away or some time later…should you repeat the process for the second half.

And that, is how I eat a Subway sub.