The therapists aren’t working, neither have the Churches I’ve been to. I’m also afraid to try medication, in case it messes me up even more than I already am.

These days I only leave home for work and I try not to look at anyone, especially women for too long, I also haven’t seen or spoken to Jason and Khari since the funeral. I’m posting this here not because I expect you to believe me, but I need to purge myself of this and try to assure myself that I’m not crazy. That I saw what I saw.

Let me just start by saying that I have horrible luck with women.

I don’t know if I’m cursed to continue to fall into this awkward, state of mind whenever I try to hold a conversation with one but it’s always been one of my biggest flaws for most of my teenage life and even into my twenties.

I live in the capital city of Port of Spain in the Caribbean island of Trinidad. Every Friday my friends, Jason, Damani, Khari and I would go out to the bars and night clubs on Ariapita Avenue, the city’s entertainment district to try our hands at trying to get the attention of some girls.

Both of them had the looks and charisma to attract any female they wanted and would always walk away with a phone number… at least.

I on the other hand just had to watch and sip on a beer in the distance just wondering what it would be like to have that kind of presence. At first I felt embarrassed and dejected by it… almost as if I was less than a man, but over time I came to terms with the fact that I would most likely be alone for the rest of my life.

I didn’t like it, but I also realised that there wasn’t much I could do about it… I just needed to accept the inevitable.

“This aint going and work out you know,” Khari said looking at me in the rear view mirror after a night out.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the same thing everytime. We’re out dancing and talking to some girls and you always in the corner like a mook. Thing’s aren’t going to change unless you want it to change man.” Khari said sternly as he drove us around the corner.

Jason was half drunk in the passenger side seat but he was also paying attention, “Yea bro, he’s right… you need to try harder next time. It’s just… sad at this point.”

Damani was in the backseat with me. He only looked at me with an expression of genuine concern mixed with disdain.

I just sat there in silence.

They were right, I wasn’t trying because I had already given up. I tried explaining to them that I didn’t care anymore and I just wanted to go through life without anymore disappointment. I tried explaining how hard it was for me to talk to women and how I would rather be by myself than constantly be a walking joke to them, but they didn’t believe me.

A few days had passed before I heard from Damani. He told me that there was a cooler party (or a ‘fete’ as we call it in Trinidad) in Rio Claro, a town at the southeastern edge of the island over the long weekend and wanted me to come.

Of course I didn’t want to go but he insisted.

“Listen… those other guys won’t understand but I do. It’s hard for you, but I promise you that this will be worth it.” he said over the phone.

Damani was one of my oldest friends I knew him since secondary school and I could have trusted him with anything. He himself saw how hard I tried over the years and knew that it wasn’t easy for me.

“I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding them back, you know? It’s hard for me too you know.”

“Yea I know, I know. But you know how Khari is… he aint going and be happy until he put a woman on your dick… But trust me, a change of scenery away from those uptight city girls is just what you need and I won’t let them fellas pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do.” he said.

“Lemme think about it.”

Being rejected was one thing, I was cool with that, but having to drive all the way to the southland just to get it there was a bit much.

I called my dad up and asked for advice. With the exception of Damani, he was the only other person in my life who I could trust with these things and I spoke to him about it over dinner at his house one evening.

“What would it hurt to go and try something new? You said it yourself you don’t have to pay for anything, so think of it as a free run, what else you going and do for the weekend?” He said pouring a glass of juice.

“I know but…”

“But nothing. Despite all of this acceptance of being alone nonsense you should really start trying harder. One of these days you’re going to see the value of companionship… look at me.”

My mother died just a few days after I was born and my father never remarried. He never raised his personal life to me before so I thought it was strange.

He could tell I was concerned and told me, “You should go. The women in the south are simpler, who knows you won’t regret it.”

“Yea… I might.” I said finally relenting.

“Whatever you do just watch out for those women and wear protection please.”

I laughed as he continued.

“Also don’t get separated from your friends… things happen to city fellas like yourself when you go to the countryside… a lot of things in those cane fields.

I was expecting him to laugh or even crack a smile but his face was still serious and no grin appeared below his prominant black moustache.

“You still believe in that foolishness daddy?” I asked

He shot me a glare that took me back to my childhood. It was almost menacing as if I was ten-years-old and I broke the rocking chair all over again.

“Just watch yourself for me please. I’ve been out here longer than you have. I’ve seen… things…”

The weekend finally came and we were on our way to Rio Claro. The invite on social media promised us three days of food, music and women.

Khari told us he rented a guest house near the venue of the fete so we wouldn’t have to worry about missing out on anything.

After packing up a cooler with ice and drinks in the trunk of Khari’s car, we were on the highway ready to anything. I was still apprehensive about going to this party, but it couldn’t be any worst than sitting at my apartment alone being bitter at life.

I look back at those moments and wish for a warning… anything that could have caused us to turn back around.

It was a two hour drive to Rio Claro from the city so we had to lot to talk about on the ride.

Jason joked about how he was going to break a record and bag the most amount of women, even opening the glove compartment of Khari’s car, to reveal a massive amount of condoms, literally spilling out onto the car floor.

We all laughed, but it wasnt long before the topic of conversation came back to me.

“So you’re not going to be a sour turd this weekend right? You actually going and let your dick breathe right?” Khari said looking at me in the rear view mirror.

“Yea for sure” I said hesitantly looking at Damani for support. He only nodded his head.

We got to the guest house by around 8.30 pm. We had just enough time to check-in, take a shower and get dressed before heading out to the fete.

We got to the venue, a sizeable vacant lot about thirty minutes later.

Even in the parking lot, we could tell the party was already in full swing.

Once we got inside, a colourful vibrant atmosphere filled the room as music blasted, drinks were poured and curvy women in skimpy clothing danced and shook their asses to the beat.

Jason brought back a bottle of white rum from the cooler and we finished more than half of it in less than five minutes. We were properly tipsy at this point as the party continued to pick up the pace.

What happened next was just a mish-mash of memories that continue to haunt me even as I write this out.

I remembered Khari got called out to move the car, while Damani went to the washroom to take a piss… and throw up as I would later find out, while Jason took turns wining and grinding up against two sisters at the back half of the lot.

I was left alone and my head was totally gone. I felt the world spinning and decided to take a seat on the cooler before I fell over and embarrassed myself.

That’s when she appeared.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around and even between the blurriness that came from alcohol and exhaustion of dancing I could tell she was gorgeous.

Brown skin, with shoulder length wavy hair and the most captivating eyes. Her eyes were big and round.

The left one was brown and the other one was black. Her cleavage and underboob showing, clad in a flowing low-cut gown. One slender, toned leg peeked out from behind the slit of the skirt.

“Are you oka-ay?” She asked almost singing.

I was so entranced in her beauty and well… drunk… I couldn’t do anything but nod slowly with my mouth slightly open.

“Mhmmm… I was watching you over in the corner there and was waiting for your friends to go away so we could talk. I hope I’m not bothering you.”

My eyes were fixed on her… still unable to form words I shook my head from side to side.

She smiled revealing a perfect set of bright, white teeth. “You really cute you know… my friends left me here too but I don’t think they’ll be back, so I’m kind of looking for a ride back to the guest house where we’re staying.”

I fought back the urge to throw up as I stumbled to my feet, trying desperately not to fall over as I did.

“Well as soon as my friends get back we could drop you off to where you’re staying..” I slurred.

She smiled again. This time I could almost swear I saw her teeth looked bigger, but then again maybe it was just the lighting and the angle.

Before long Jason came back and so did Khari, but Damani didn’t.

We waited for almost half an hour, but he was still nowhere to be seen, even after checking the washroom.

“He probably went home with one of my friends,” the girl said… “One of them said they found a cute guy in a floral shirt and took him back…”

Khari and Jason exchanged skeptical glances before I spoke up…

“Come na… I sure he’s good wherever he is.”

I didn’t have much experience with women, but based on her body language I could tell she was into me and I was definitely into her… who knew my dad was right.

By this time it was already after 2 am, we were driving along dirt roads back to the guest houses.

After directing Khari through several back roads which took us to through overgrown fields, as tall stalks of plants and leaves towered on either side of the car, some of them even long enough to reach into the car itself

“So what’s your name?”

“It’s Laura… it’s nice to meet you. I don’t get to come out much these days but it’s nice to meet a nice guy like you…”

I could see Khari shot me a wink of approval in the rear view mirror, before he broke the silence…

“So where are we going exactly? I’m not from south but I think we passed most of the guest houses back there.”

“There’s another one just up ahead. I promise,” she said cracking another gorgeous smile.

After driving for about 15 minutes through more dirt roads, Laura told Khari to stop the car. We were literally in the middle of someone’s cocoa field at this point

“It was nice meeting all of you… really. The guest house I’m staying at is just behind the field.” She said before pulling me in for a kiss.

She was stronger than I thought, as she grabbed my shirt collar and drew me in with one arm and a firm pull.

We locked lips for no more than a few seconds but it was amazing, I could feel her tongue inside my mouth and I knew she wanted me.

“Of course it doesn’t have to end right now.” She said looking deep into my eyes.

I’ve never felt like this before. A raw, primal feeling began coursing through my heart and my mind as I looked down at her breasts and one visibly toned leg.

Khari looked at me with a mixture of confusion and admiration while Jason was already passed out in the front seat.

“Bro what you doing?” He asked

I could feel myself answering but I couldnt remember what I said exactly…

“You can’t exactly call an Uber out here you know… just gimme a call in the morning to come pick you up or something…”

Before I knew it I was stepping out of Khari’s Nissan and out into the cold night air.

Immediately I could feel the sting of mosquitos as they descended on me. I was still a little drunk from the party, so I struggled to keep up with Laura through the winding maze of cocoa plants.

She seemed to limp through the fields rather than walk. I began thinking about how odd it must be walking through this bush with high heels on… but I can’t remember seeing both of her legs.

At a few times I lost track of her, only to see her shape reappear between plants a short distance away.

You must be a damn fool to be doing this, I thought to myself. This is just how people get killed out here…

“You still keeping up baby?” I heard her call from the darkness. She sounded like someone trying to fight back a laugh.

“Yea I’m here…” I said trying to jump over an old log.

“How far is the guest house?” I called out, still not seeing her through the darkness and the branches of the plants

No response

Figures. She probably was going to leave me out here to troll me. In a matter of seconds her friends would jump out and take turns laughing at me.

“I would never do that to you hun…” I heard a voice said behind me.

I spun around so quickly I almost fell over.

There she was a perfect silhouette of a woman… just a couple feet from me. I couldn’t make out her features in the darkness but I knew it was her… who else could it be?

“How you got behind me?”

“Don’t think about it,” she said.

I could feel the tension in the air as I walked towards her.

I looked at her as she finally came into view under the moonlight and I half expected her to be transformed into some ghoul, but she still had the same beauty queen smile.

She pulled me in close and began kissing me again. I felt my dick press up against her thigh and I knew it was going to happen right now in this field,

I needed to breathe so I tried pulling away from her, but she kept a firm grip on my shirt, I tried tapping on her shoulder to let me go but she still kept the vice-like grip on me.

Suddenly I felt it, a long, cow-like tongue entering my mouth, it went deep to the back of my throat, as I opened my eyes wide trying to scream, but only gags and gurgles escaped my throat.
I eventually kicked myself away from her.

I looked back up and saw her… she wasn’t the beauty queen I thought she was… she was an ugly, decomposing old hag as she cracked a smile to show her slimy, pink toothless gums with wide, wild eyes.

I could feel my face twist in horror as I looked at this thing.

Beneath her skirt I began to see her other leg. The right leg, instead of the shapely brown leg I saw at the part I sawwhat I could only describe as a cow’s hoof, bent sickeningly.

“Come on nah… Ahm waiting for y…” she said before the long tongue dropped out of her mouth, her jet black mass of curls now strands of grey hair holding on to her almost bald head.

I began screaming, as I ran through the cocoa plants, behind me I could hear a galloping as branches broke and leaves were crushed

As I tried to run, I felt a strong tug at the back of my shirt, as long nails dug into the flesh around my shoulder, I could feel hot, sticky blood run down around my neck and back.

I screamed out in pain as I felt my feet lift off the ground.

I turned around just in time to see this hideous old woman… in fact she looked less like a woman and more like a cow, with an elongated face and head, but with vaguely human features…

I managed to wrestle myself out of her grip as I continued to run towards the road.

My legs burning from exhaustion, I could still hear her laughter all around me. Sometimes it sounded like it was behind me… other times it felt in front of me and sometimes to the side.

The last thing I remembered was collapsing near a clearing of the field.

I woke up a day later at one of the district hospitals to find my dad at my bedside.

“Oh thank God you okay!!” he said tearfully as I woke up.

“Daddy, what going on?”

He looked at me with wide, tear-filled eyes…. “Son… what happened out there?”

I thought back at the ordeal with… her… I didn’t know if to tell him the truth or if I should make up some story… the guys could back me up, they were there with me, Khari, Jason and….

“Damani… Where is Damani?” I asked

My father’s eyes broke eye contact with me

“I think you should talk to the police…”

I spent the next few days in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital recuperating from multiple scratches to my back and neck… I was told there were even hoof prints found on my body, by a farmer who lived in the area.

The farmer himself I was told refused to even touch me and called the police to do so.

After being declared fit enough for interview I spoke to homicide officers who told me Damani’s body was found just a few meters away from where I was found in the cocoa field.

“That was impossible… he was using the washroom when we left him at the party…” I told one of them

“Did you see him go into the washroom?”

“No but where else could he go? That was before I met up with Laura?”

“Who?” the officer asked

How was I going to work around this? They would think I was crazy, but I didn’t have a choice, what was I going to do? Lie?

So I told them everything, at least as far as I could remember. Between the story they kept a serious face and didn’t cut me off once.

In fact they wrote it all down, from beginning to end and even took pictures of the wounds on my back.

I suppose they probably chalked it up to me being drunk out of my mind, or not.

“We’ll keep in touch with you,” one of them said before handing me his card.

“So… what was the cause of death with Damani?” I asked before they left.

“Strangulation. There were also visible lacerations to the inside of his mouth.”

I sat there for almost an hour unable to move. I felt like crying. I felt like I could die.

I was eventually discharged from the hospital and stayed with my father until I could heal properly. He took good care of me and while staying there I took some time to go through the family album he kept. I hadn’t gone through it in years, especially after I moved out.

While turning the pages on birthdays and Christmas parties I came across it… her…

Laura was on one of the first pictures of the album and she was holding me.

I felt my hands shake as I yelped.

She had the same caramel brown skin, same dark mass of curly hair. Same beauty queen smile.

I looked at the back of the picture and saw it…

**December 31st 1990. Laura holding baby Tristian**

My fingers shook as I flipped the page back over to see the angelic image of my mother was replaced with the same hideous hag I encountered that night . GThe baby she was holding in the picture… me… was replaced with a bloodied corpse….

I screamed out so loud my father who was outside at the time ran in and saw me crying. He tried to comfort me, but of course he didn’t see what I saw.

From that day forth I kept seeing her more and more frequently… at Damani’s funeral, she was there amidst the grave stones.

I see her at work and at night I can still hear her chuckle… I used to think that solitude and loneliness were the worst things to happen to man… but now I want it…

I need it for my own sanity.