Did you know there’s an 8th wonder in the world? The Bass Pro Shop’s Monolith. Standing at a whopping 321 feet, not even the architects know why it was built. Within its 32-story confines it contains a swamp, a bowling alley, hotel rooms, restaurants, and largest selection of Bass Pro Shop™ items in the world.
Ever since I was a wee-lad I was always out and about in the water, whether it was my grandpop’s pontoon, which would later succumb to the abyss after my brother popped a hole in it, or just doing relays in the pool, the water was a second home to me. Some of the most fond memories would be among the times I was in that big-whet. Early 2012, Central Ireland, the School of Aravon, a tiny prep school built as if it came straight from a fantasy novel, its towering gray brick structure and cozy wooden interiors would welcome me during the year-long schooling. It was in this quaint little school, in my quaint little town where I first learned to love the art of treading water.

Twice a month or so, a coach bus would arrive at the school picking up the students and haul us off a good forty minutes to a relatively remote pool facility. In the sterile, chlorine drenched atmosphere, all the students got prepped and submerged in the olympic sized pool. Week after week, I was drilled along with my class-compadres. All the while, throughout the season, I got to deepen my understanding of new techniques, before the eventual return stateside.

In the words of Steely Dan, one must be “reelin’ in the years,” this quote has two meanings. One of course, you must be taking in and archiving all of one’s life experiences. The other, and more preferred interpretation: Fishing. When I was still in my prime, everytime I visited my grandfather, we’d go out into the Manhattan bay during a daytrip, and hunt all those three-eyed, mutated fishies in the trash infested muck-water that lied o’ so close to his backyard. All those extra eyes, really gave a new perspective on pollution.

This was, seemingly, a long upheld tradition of my father and his forefathers. He too passed on his love of the old bait and hook, going as far as to refer to himself and his own compatriots as “The Boomers,” following in his footsteps I would be the first of the long line of “Zoomers.” This title was aptly earned after the fishing trip of 1986, where he successfully fended of a school of seahorses.

I truly feel that based off of my life experiences, that we are living in a simulation, and I am the glitch. When I turn around, everything ceases to exist. I like to abuse this power and turn my back on people I disagree with. To my knowledge, this has worked excellently.

The war of ‘00 has really shaped me into the person I am today. Y2K was truly a scarring experience, I first handedly experienced many comrades fall to the scourge that plagued many computers. I believe I am not of mankind, no, I was birthed from the bowels of Y2K.

After being a funny-man throughout my golden years, I believe I’ve finally transcended above the normal fodder. I’d be honoured to explore options such as the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Clown College. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to spend 4 years of my life and waste $50,000 on a useless piece of paper. Please accept me into your cringe liberal arts college; I swear I have an IQ above room temperature. At the end of the day, if I had to pick fishing or her, I’m pickin’ fishin’ every time.