Fucking WATERMELON “EATING” CONTESTS. I’ve never been in one myself, and I never would. Why sign up for such a goddamn sham? It’s not an “eating” contest at all. They should at least be honest and call it a “slam and grind your face against a watermelon as hard and fast as you can” contest.

Every time, the “winner” is just some asshole who just pushed his face against the melon so that it all breaks apart and liquefies and falls to the floor around him. Meanwhile, there’s always another contestant sitting beside the “winner” who was a good honest upstanding citizen, genuinely trying to eat it and was about five bites in….and you can just see his naive faith in humanity being shattered in the dumbfounded look on his face as a judge lauds this asshole next to him who just splattered his watermelon all over the floor.

And if it isn’t bad enough that the charlatans running these operations allow this to happen, the crowds all cheer and oooh and ahh and share videos online where more people continue to comment about how crazy awesome it is someone could *eat so fast*. Jesus Christ, OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE!!!!