I don’t know where people get the idea that the Charmin Bears love shitting. They’re fucking terrified of it. Not just normal terror either. They tremble in horror at every bowel movement the way cavemen used to quake at thunder. Even in this commercial, they nearly sob when they believe there may be a single skid mark in their child’s discarded underwear. They worship Charmin with a religious fervor and believe only it can save them from the hot, blasphemous shit that would otherwise be forever caked on their bright red ass fur.