She made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her to the point I thought my heart was going to stop. She told me to calm down, gave me a drink… and I don’t know what was in the drink but I blacked out… and when I woke up she had both my legs over her shoulders and she was numb sucking my asshole like there was no tomorrow. I tried to fight it, I tried to get away, but I was restrained. She told me that I liked it, she told me not to worry cuz she used the good jelly; the Schmuckus. So nobody’s paid me to confess this now and I’ve kept it under wraps for all these years because I knew that no one would believe me; no one would believe that Hillary Clinton ate my asshole.