It started off as just a joke between my mom and I. It was her idea, she said I should “reallly right some of these down”. I don’t think she really expected me too, or how great it would be.

Here’s a compilation of some of my favorites. I hope you can find these as funny as I can, or at least relate to them.

DAD FILE:

“I was so weak from shitting in there, I was glad I was sitting down” – Dad (8-18-17)

“There’s a new baby Kardashian” -Mom “Kill it” -dad 1-7-18

“I didn’t make it to the top of the food chain to eat fucking grass” – 4-1-18 (Vegetarians

“You just blocked the view of the famous mexican actor” -me “Fuck him” – dad 4-18-18

“Man, I took a GIANT shit this morning.. that’s the way to start the day” -Dad 4-19-18

“You see this math they do now, it’s retarded” 4-22-18 (common core math)

“I’d rather talk about Lola’s shit than the prince” 4-22-18

“No, i did not watch the royal wedding, I watched family Guy instead” – 5-20-18

“I’d rather get my wisdom teeth out with Josh then go [to six flags]” -6-26-18

“What’s after the hot dog eating contest? The cornhole ACL pro invitational! ESPNs putting a hurtin today!” 7-4-18

“When I’m wearing underpants, they’re under pants. When I’m not wearing pants, they’re shorts…” 7-7-18

“I worked too hard to eat pig asshole” (chitlits) 7-20-18″

“Nothing would make me happier to get through this God forsaken state” (Connecticut) 7-20-18

“This whole moterhome should be happy i shit” 6:30 AM 7-21-18

“Whatever evil dickhead designed this package deserves to die.. it’s like trying to break into fort Knox to grab cheese” 8-9-18

“If you eat Domino’s you’ll eat anything” 9-10-18

“You know… The fun sized candy, it’s really not that fun” 10-30-18

“You couldn’t pay ME to go to Disney world!” 11-17-18

“All this rain is gonna mess up their Christmas lights. I find that funny.” 12-1-18

“I take a bit of joy that the people in NYC are standing there in the rain” 12-31-18

“Why call it lobster sauce when there isn’t even lobster in it? Who does that? I was devastated.” 1-21-19

“I’m going to play some online poker, watch some Nascar, and fall asleep in my chair… I have some low standards, huh?” 3-17-19

“If you wanna see dad’s head turn red, bring up Ken” -mom “Don’t you ruin this overpriced dinner bringing up that guy, I hate him” 3-27-19

“I’m outta kick the architect who designed this right in the nuts” 3-27-19 (bad parking lot)

“We’re denied human rights because we’re prepairing for Easter” 4-16-19

“Can I get the meat lovers special!” 4-19-19 (good Friday)

“I think this song [Freebird live] is about 15 Minutes too short” 5-7-19