Context: am a non-black POC

When I was younger, like around 8-10 (am 13 now) I don’t think I ever said the N word. I previously worried about saying it on YT comments, but I checked my YT comment history and I didn’t.

I THINK I did a few months ago. Like 3-11 months. I don’t know. I think I could barely hear it myself. I knew the implications of the word. I simply don’t know why I did it. It wasn’t even along to a song. I did it because of impulsiveness. To anyone in the room, it might have been inaudible. But it was still wrong, the word is linked to a history of slavery, torture and much more horrible things I, as a non-black person, will never be able to understand. Anyway, it was like mouthing it, but if I covered my ears I would be able to listen the word.

Thing is, yesterday I was feeling terrible about it (I should be) and wondered if I actually SAID it or MOUTHED it. So my dumb ass decided to try it again and determine whether I said it or mouthed it… With the word itself. Multiple times. I could have literally said anything, but I stuck to the original word. Note my brainlessness. Now, this is absolutely horrible, I don’t know what the actual fuck I was thinking. Then I tried it with another word (like “candy” etc) while covering my ears and I determined I SAID it. So I didn’t mouth but SAY the N word multiple times yesterday, just because I wanted to see if I either SAID or MOUTHED the word some months ago.

This is terrible, something bad happened to me yesterday so I think karma is catching up with me. I literally can’t say the “I’m grown that wasn’t me” shit because it was literally a day ago. I have literally said a word that is linked to the slavery and torture of an entire race just because I was stressed about maybe saying it in the past. Which was confirmed that I did. I have ruined all my life, I thought after all the previous horrible shit I have done I’d have learnt something? Literally if everyone in my life knew this they would have abandoned me or something. Which perhaps I would deserve.

If you say non-black people can say the N-word I’m not going to count your opinion. There is a lot of evidence that we can’t and you’re probably not black (or you’re even white) anyways.