We sorted it out by replacing the cats. The trick is not to have the new cats meet the old cats so they can share their expectations like the ladder monkeys. You know the ladder monkeys? You put a ladder in your monkeys’ cage leading up to some hanging bananas, but whenever a monkey goes for the bananas you turn the fire hose on all of them so they quickly learn not to. Then you introduce new monkeys. When the new monkeys start to climb the ladder the old monkeys pull them down and slap them. You slowly introduce new monkeys and take the old monkeys away until there are no monkeys that ever got the hose, but they all still beat up the newcomers. I forget what point I was trying to make. You just have to make your own fun these days, messing with monkey minds. Yes, that was it. Monkeys are great with ladders because they have no feet but loads of hands instead. I mean, maybe all this isn’t the best advice for monkey owners. If you own a load of monkeys you shouldn’t just use ladders and hoses to give them a bad time. You could also stick them in a school locker and drop it in the sea, or fill their water bottles with Tippex, or replace their limbs with robotic prosthetics, or hang Anglo-Saxon jewellery round their necks. The only limit is your imagination, really. You’ve got to be careful if you’re dating, though, because a lot of potential dates will judge you by how you torment your pet monkeys. Like with how rude you are to restaurant staff. Softly, softly, is what I am saying. But you knew that. That’s how you caught them.