Eight people died at a Travis Scott show after the crowd rushed the stage.

Normal person: Oh, that’s sad.

Metalhead: This would have never happened at a metal show. Unless you frequent them often, you wouldn’t know that if you show up to a concert with no money, you just have to tell the doorman one good deed you did that day and they’ll let you in for free. At that point in the day, every metalhead will have done several good deeds already. It is also commonplace to bring a bouquet of flowers to the venue. If you see another metalhead with a bouquet you like better, you are able to switch them and you both hug it out. There is no other reason to do this besides showing the rest of the world that we are the most wholesome creatures on planet Earth. One time when I saw Slayer back in ’86 and they had just started playing Seasons in the Abyss as their encore, we collectively as an audience decided to mutually masturbate to congratulate one another on yet another completely safe environment for all those involved. A couple minutes in, several of the audience members began slipping and falling amidst all the cum. Kerry King himself, sorry, do you even know who Kerry King is? Anyway, this god among men held his arms up and refused to keep playing until he knew everyone was safe. He then climbed down from the stage and scaled the rivers of cum and assorted flower petals, to shake each one of our hands on a job well done. We all erupted into thunderous applause and hugs. IT’S CALLED METAL BROTHERHOOD. TAKE A NOTE, RAP FANS.