I mean, god was obviously a gay man. He made man in his image, and named him Adam Kadmon. Only, god was a total top, while Adam just kinda preferred topping. When Adam never got to top god, he became sulky and sullen and tsundere. That’s when god offered to make Adam another Adam. So Lilith was born, but Adam found out that Lilith was a bit too similar to him. Lilith was also a top, and didn’t like the idea of bending over for Adam. So god kicked Lilith out of Eden, and made Eve. Eve was a total bottom, which meant that Adam and Eve spent all their time together. This saddened god, who never got to see Adam anymore, but that’s okay, because god’s omniscient and was content with watching. He drew the line when his ex, a slithering snake, seduced Eve into doing apples with him, and then brought some back to share with Adam. Having eaten from the fruit of knowledge, they saw god for who and what he was, a jealous queen. So god kicked both their asses out of Eden, and refused to talk to them ever again. He wasn’t bitter for long, though, because one day Adam’s son, Caine, gifted god with a little twink named Abel, and god has been perfectly content to leave humanity alone ever since, which is why it has all gone to shit. Amen.