“Hello?”
“Hello!”
“Hello?”
“Who’s this?”
“Who’s *this*?”
“I am asking the questions, I called *you*”
“No, I called *you*, and you sound like the ugliest son of a bitch I ever heard.”
“*You* sound like the physical manifestation of some *loser’s* inner demons.”
“Well, you sound like some total Joe’s inability to confront the reality of his past actions”
“If I ever get your stinky mug in my line of sight, I swear to Chekov I’ll cock your glock off!”
“Well I’m going to be the bigger man, and hang up fir-(Dial tone) dammit!”
“Listen. We don’t cotton to freaks round these parts. Scram, weirdo!”
“Yeah? I don’t polycotton to coping tropes, even my own, so why don’t you split?”
“Looks like I already did, you’re the sad figment of my twisted psyche’s tragic dividend. You’re the un-me, I’m the real me you wanna be.”
“Kiddo, I was the real me when you were still in my short-pants”
“Hate to break it to you, but I wore them first. Me bequeathed thee, the psychopathological hand-you-down.”
“So *you’re* the one who stained them”
“Whoever found it, browned it!”
“You’d like me to be you, wouldn’t me? But it’s too late, you snoze, you lose!”
“You sleet, you wheat!”
“You napple, you get slapple!”
“You slumber, a cucumber!”
“You catch up on some z’s, you get out of my heads!”
“You slumber, hamburge-I don’t wanna talk bout nothin else!”
“Listen, this psyche’s not big enough for two metaphysical seekers.”
“You couldn’t seek your way out of a cardboard bag!”
“Yeah, I know, ’cause it would be an egg!”
“*OOH!* (This guy might be better than me!)”
“You’re right, I am better than me!”
“Look, buddy, know when you’re defeated, accept your defecation!”
“No, thanks. I’m full, ’cause I eat pussies like you for breakfast!”
“Look at you, you look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance!”
“Oh yeah? Your mom’s so shallow, she probably thinks this quip is about her!”
“You’re about as deep as a bowl of soup, and your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon!”
“Hey, say what you want about me, but lay off the soup!”
“If you love soup so much, then why don’t you marry soup?!”
“‘Cause I’m already married, to Justice!”
“Yeah, only a blind girl would marry you!”
“I know everything you’re gonna-“
“…say, and I know everything you’re gonna-“
“…don’t”
“Oh yeah? Well, when God was passing out insight, you thought that when he said, when God was passing out holy prophets, you thought he said ‘oily faucet’, ’cause your soul has diarrhea, of the mouth, faucet!”
“Are you so dumb you even answer rhetorical questions?”
“I don’t know, do you?”
“We can play this game all night”
“First of all, it’s daytime and this is no game”
“Checkmate.”
“Oh so you admit that you’re checking me out, and you want to mate!”
“Oh, you got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?!”
“No, they wouldn’t give it to me because when i was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out!”
“Oh yeah you only got one peni?! Let me see it.”
“See with your eyes, not with your mouth.”
“I’ll call your bluff. I’ll see your penis with your mouth and I raise you, with my hand!”
“Ante up”
“No, dammit!”
“What’s wrong?”
“I crapped out but I’m tough, I can suck it up!”
“Okay, count of three we show what’s under the loincloth”
“Wiener take all!”
“One”
“Two”
“Three!”