I think the two of us are on two different wavelengths here. pens? that’s not even petty theft. I’m talking staplers, printing paper, printer ink: the big boy stuff. Sometimes a keyboard. They try to install cameras? I learn their blind spots. They start to check employee bags? Toss em out the bathroom window into a cardboard box in the alley. I frame Maurice, from a few desks over; he gets fired. Three weeks later my boss’s fax machine goes missing. The next day, I get called into his office. Is this it? Have I been caught? No. I’m being promoted. Turns out, despite me not knowing anything about office work, he thinks I’m doing a good job. Guess I’m a smooth talker. I get access to the server room. I gut it for all it’s worth and plant it in the alley next to Maurice’s apartment. He gets arrested, then I nab the goods before the police do. Turns out, Maurice was part of a drug ring. He gets 20 years. I don’t feel bad. I decide now is the time to get out of there, so I put in my two weeks and steal the company forklift. I don’t even know how I got away with that one. To ensure they don’t suspect me, I steal a few items they won’t discover until the board meeting next month. Makes ‘em think there’s still a thief in the office. Keep ‘em on their toes. I made over a million dollars on stolen goods in the 5 years I worked there. I invest the money and before I know it, I’m a multimillionaire. I retire at the age of 25 on a private island.

Hypothetically, anyway.