About 10 years ago I was working in South Korea. Their toilets just really suck at flushing and you are supposed to put the paper in the waste bin. Anyway…so this one afternoon, I got a feeling of a huge kimchi turd building up in my gut. Now I’m a home shitter, I hold that loaf in and always wait to go home no matter what.

Not today.

As I squirmed and wiggled for 2 hours doing the desk Macarena, it became obvious that expelling the satanic Hindenburg dookie festering in my bowels could not wait for home. The baby was coming ready or not. So, I planned to wait until everyone left.

The sweat coming down my brow and the awkward goodbyes to coworkers while wiggling like I had a worm farm up my rectum were not fun. As the last employee left, my time had come.

I jumped from my chair almost launching the fecal meatloaf right then and there. I penguin shuffled with great haste all the way to the bathroom and almost fell over trying to get on the tiny porcelain toilet.

I took a breath.

Ripping out of my anus in one swift push – a feeling and sight I’m sure akin to that famous part in the Alien movie where the tiny Martian pops out of the guy’s stomach – I give birth to a shit so large it almost could not be contained in the toilet. I wiped my ass, but it was almost clean. An immaculate one pusher. Satisfied like a father after his first born I flushed the brown beast.

But alas, it would not. I did many things to the petulant monster turd including using the plunger to try and break it up with the stick part like a dookie swashbuckler. It would have none of it. Lord Colonbuster would not go down the hole. I resigned myself to sneak away and hope that they couldn’t pin my destruction of the toilet with my sphincter on me. I went home.

The next day, I walked into the office and my gaze was met with eyes at the floor. No one said anything, as Koreans are extremely polite and not fans of conflict. I sat at my desk knowing something was afoot. It was awkward, but I pressed on with my duties.

After 4 coffees, I needed to pee. As I approached the WC I had befouled the previous day, I noticed something from afar. A piece of paper was on the stall. As I got close enough to read the note my heart sank.

“Do not defecate”

Only in English. I was the only English person in the office.