OK, kool-aid boy, I’m going to sleep now. But, before I do so, I’m going to make your crazy-boy envy go completely off the charts with some facts. I already know your fake response — “you’re lying, prove it, blah, blah” — but you’ll know it’s all true if you have even one functioning brain cell in your head (but whether you do or not is certainly debatable). We know that you won’t admit knowing the truth, but you will know it. Are you ready for your envy and blood pressure to skyrocket? Are you sitting down? OK, here it is:

I retired very wealthy and very young — that was over five years ago. I’ve earned more money and have more passive income starting from literally nothing than you’d ever dream of having in 100 lifetimes. And I did all that by a very early age. I’ve financially supported many other people to whom I really owe no support obligations. I support more people than you could possibly support in 100 lifetimes.

So, my past 5+ years have been a very long and fun luxury vacation, which will continue the rest of my life with plenty to spare. I’ve done all kinds of great stuff and will continue to do so. But, you want to know what I’ve done more than anything else? Working out at gyms. Why? Because it’s my favorite thing to do. I work out several hours each day and I study all of this stuff, among other things. I know more about health, fitness, and nutrition than you’ll ever know — in addition to sooooooo many other things. I’ve spent more time in gyms over the past five years than you’ve spent sleeping or working.

So, imagine what I must look like if I’m working out several hours each day for over five years with no other obligations or responsibilities. And that doesn’t even account for what I did in the years before that. If you were to ever see me in person, you wouldn’t be talking all of this childish and foolish trash. You’d be running for the hills or you’d be on your best child-like behavior. Or you’d be begging for forgiveness and mercy (which I would graciously grant to you).

During all those hours you’ve been punching a clock, worried about your supervisor, complaining about your hourly wage, and applying for government benefits (because you never learned to write or think and you’re not smart), I’ve been relaxing and working out and traveling (catching another flight tomorrow morning, in fact) and otherwise living in total independence and freedom. Generally, I’ve been on a permanent and well-earned vacation. Days of the week, holidays, weekends, times of day? They’re all the same to me — all irrelevant. Restraints on my time or freedom? Zero. I only do what I love doing — and that’s mostly working out and learning.

This will continue forever. Your life. My life. They can’t change, unless maybe you catch up by winning a huge lottery or something. I know you’re not smart, so let me inform you that you’re much more likely to be struck by lightning 10 different times than you are to win the big lottery jackpot, so don’t waste your little money. The lottery is for people like you who are bad at math. But now I’ve saved you some money. You’re welcome.

So, be sure of one thing. I’m wealthier (by orders of immeasurable magnitude), more intelligent (by orders of immeasurable magnitude), bigger, stronger, faster, and leaner than you are or ever will be. Your pity should be reserved for yourself and only for yourself. Pitying yourself won’t get you much, but it does give you reasons, motivation, and energy to complain, to blame others, to become obsessed with others, and to envy others. For that, I’ll add my pity of you to your pity of you and we can both pity you in the most sincere way.

So, I’m going to sleep now and I’m going to forget that your miserable, pitiful, and sorry life ever got onto my radar screen. In a just world, I’d have never noticed you in any way on any level. I might or might not write briefly to laugh at you if you remain obsessed with me. Or maybe not. It just depends on how I feel and how much additional pain I think you’re asking for and how much more I’m willing to give you.

But while I’m ignoring you or casually and cheerfully laughing at you, I know that you’ll be crazy with envy, rage, and anger. It’s already happened. Your blood pressure is off the hook. You’re already on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’ll be sleeping peacefully, enjoying my permanent-vacation life, and ignoring you while you’ll remain filled with hate and envy for who knows how long. I’m confident that, for the next several weeks or months, these facts will occupy your mind and your rage will persist. So, I feel very sorry for you. But I feel much more sorry for anyone who knows you in real life and is forced to deal with you in real life.

Now, take a deep breath, get that blood pressure under control, and find a therapist. You need all the external professional help you can get with your government benefits. Our mutual pity for you isn’t really going to do the job. Good luck.

Edit — typo, kool-aid, boy