In the original story of pinocchio, he is born a sociopathic nightmare demon beast. Upon gaining limbs the first thing he does is kick the dogshit out of gepeto (sp? fuck you leave me alone). He was always alive, btw. He was a screaming log that bellowed so many un-utterable blasphemies of such great volume the person who found the proto-pinocchio-devil-log basically forced Gepeto to take it.

Pinocchio is then taught to walk and then he’s like FUCK YOU DAD and immediately bails.

He then gets captured by some fuckin’ guy who assumed Pinocchio has been abused by gepeto who IS THEN THROWN INTO PRISON. then Pinochhio is like ah shit cock I guess I’ll go back home there’s nothing else to do. On the way he meets an un-named talking cricket who says stuff like “don’t be a gigantic cockfuck or people won’t like you. being greedy is bad and shit and please get a job” PINOCCHIO THEN IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT HESITATION CRUSHES HIM WITH A FUCKING HAMMER.

Pinocchio, now free of all authority either by murder or by prison, takes a nice long nap by the fireplace and burns his fucking feet off because he’s a dumbass moron who doesn’t even realize he’s made of wood and satan.

Gepeto, freed from prison, comes home to find his unholy spawn screaming in endless agony because of the leg loss, and says “I am a good man, I will make you new legs but can you please go the fuck to school”

Pinocchio, warming up to his dad, says ok sure thing pops. Gepeto then goes, sells his one and only winter coat because Gepeto is poor af, and buys Pinocchio a school book because 1800.

THE NEXT DAY PINOCCHIO SELLS HIS NEW SCHOOL BOOK FOR A FUCKIN’ NICKLE TO GO SEE A PUPPET SHOW.

As he’s sitting in the audience, his mere demonic presence seemingly terroizes the other puppets into sentience, and they start freaking the fuck out that a puppet is out there walking around doing shit when they’re all strung up and can’t ruin anyones lives at all.

So the puppet master is like Im gonna kill this cocksuckin shit ass and turn him into firewood, but then has a change of heart when he realizes pinocchio has ruined gepeto’s life forever. He gives pinocchio some gold to take to gepeto.

Pinocchio then goes on a series of misadventures where anyone who tries to help him is murdered eaten or has their lives ruined. a couple of foxes tell him to go plant his money and grow a money tree, which pinocchio believes because he’s a fucking puppet idiot demon baby.

the crickets ghost even comes back and is like holy shit stop believing them coins dont grow into trees you absolute fucking unit.

the foxes get sick of pinocchios bullshit after making him pay for the dinner at hotel (this is all true) and hang him in a tree in the woods, apparently also too stupid to realize you cant kill that which has no life, so they get bored waiting on him to die and just fuck off.

A fucking magic fairy he met at the hotel comes and saves him from the noose and is so stupid she doesn’t know whether he’s alive or dead and has magic spirits, INCLUDING THE CRICKET, come and check on him. no one knows anything except the cricket who is like, this motherfucker is a puppet, living or dead don’t matter, he can’t be stopped, but he’s also a giant dickshit and he killed me once already.

some magic rabbits come to bury him or something I forget, he lies to the fairy about the gold coins somehow, and then his idiot nose grows so big he can’t even move anymore.

Some birds eat his dumb idiot nose then gepeto comes and lives with them in the magic woods with fairies and rabbits and the cricket ghost. This is somehow not the end.

pinocchio, still having not given the coins to his poor poor dad wanders out until he meets the foxes again, and theyre like oh shit the dumbass is here I bet he still got mad gold. So they’re like oh we’re different foxes, dur, youre so dumb, please go bury your gold and grow a money tree. We had this idea independently of the other foxes. Pinochhio, still fucking stupid, does that. The foxes take the money and gtfo.

A parrot comes up to pinocchio and is like lmao youre so fucking stupid you cockknocker, they took your gold. Go look, it’s all gone.

Pinocchio, enraged that he’s been had by the same foxes that already tried to murder him once, goes to magic animal court and tells the monkey judge the foxes stole his shit and the judge says lmao youre going to prison for being a stupid fucking idiot demon baby.

Pinocchio goes to prison then is immediately let out for some dumb reason, he probably killed someone, I can’t remember, then he wanders around like a total shit for awhile, eventually he tries to steal food from a farmer even though he is beyond our mortal realm of life and doesnt need it. the farmer shackles him to a doghouse and makes him protect his crops.

For the first time in his stupid meaningless existence pinocchio succeeds at something and is rewarded by not having to be chained to a doghouse anymore. He promptly leaves, and is then picked up BY A MAGIC BIRD who takes him to the ocean.

Gepeto is already there, building a boat for some stupid reason to go look for Pinocchio in the ocean because even though he is nice Gepeto also birthed Pinocchio so he is in many ways worse than even the puppet himself. And stupid.

Either way, while dicking around in the ocean with Pinocchio, gepeto is eaten by a whale. Pinocchio shrugs it off and bails.

He ends up going to some island, meets the magic fairy from earlier who says fuck gepeto I’m your mom now lmao. Pinocchio says okay because he has no empathy and is made of wood.

literally so much bullshit happens then, pinocchio finally goes to school, but then leaves because he thinks he saw a sea monster, someone tries to flay him alive, eat him, some other insane shit because pinocchio causes havoc and sorrow just by existing against the will of God, etc.

Anyway, one day he turns into a Donkey because he’s gotten even worse at being a person, shit happens, his friend also donks up but dies from having interacted with Pinocchio even one time– he goes to a circus or something until some circus guy has had enough of his dumb donkey existence so he ties him up and throws him into the fuckin ocean. Man eating fish then come and consume the donkey flesh, leaving the wooden devil puppet behind. Pinocchio clambers out of the ocean to the horror of all, revealing he is still The Great Whore Of Babylon.

Pinocchio then TAKES TO THE SEA until he encounters the big ass whale that ate his dad. A magic goat on a mountain, who is actually the magic fairy in disguise, who I forgot to mention is actually a dead kid waiting on the magic hearse of the dead tells him to gtfo but he’s too stupid and it eats him.

Once inside the beast, he finds gepeto who has lived now for months inside of the fish in a boat. Pinocchio, remembering Gepeto exists, now demands for him to save them both, which he does because he’s not smart enough to know the only way to keep Pinocchio from causing harm to us all is to keep him entombed forever.

Gepeto and Pinocchio pass by the foxes who are now horribly wounded and dying, they beg for help and Pinocchio tells them to eat his ass because they stole four golds from his bag of holding when in reality he was just dumb as hell and thought he was going to grow a fucking money tree like a jackass.

They go to live with the magic goat/fairy/dead girl and talking cricket’s ghost, then after some hard manual labor the magic fairy comes to him in the night, makes out with him and turns him into a mere mortal, which is great news for everyone because now he can be killed. gepeto, nearly dying because of being abandoned inside a whale for months by his dumbass kid, is also magically healed. The fairy also creates gold, proving entropy is a lie, gives it to them, and they all live happily ever after.

If you think I made one word of this up you are ABSOLUTELY WRONG, I probably even left out half the insane shit that happens in this book. This is the actual story, have a great day.