So, let’s deal with the proverbial elephant in the room. I’m currently married. I likely won’t be by the end of the summer: my wife has a terminal illness. Since her diagnosis, she’s been encouraging me to start exploring dating and sex with other people. This is something of a first step towards that. If I like you, I’d be happy to elaborate on the situation a bit more.

I’m primarily interested in something online right now: my ability to travel is currently pretty limited for what I think are obvious reasons. However, I’m an adult with means and no dependents, so who knows what the future might bring?

But who the hell am I? I’m a dom, a master, a daddy—depending on my mood and yours. I’ve enjoyed BDSM in various capacities, as life allows it, for fifteen or so years, which is to say I remember furtively purchasing books on bondage from my college campus bookstore, along with my textbooks. This was a solution which I, paradoxically, found way less embarrassing than googling (or AskJeeving or whatever search engine people used back in the old days).

I’m a bit older than your average redditor, though I’ve been on the site for years. I’m also a partner at a large, international law firm, so I spend a pretty disgusting amount of time at work. I’ve taken a sabbatical to spend time with my wife, so I’m currently not working seventy hour weeks for the first time in years. I try to keep fit, with middling success. I’m told I look much younger than I am, which is something of a consolation when you’re struggling to remember if you’re thirty-three or thirty-four. I’ve got a pretty morbid sense of humor, which has been a life-saver in my job and my current situation.

I am, by turns, extremely affectionate and sadistic—I want to test your limits, make you shriek and shudder, and then praise you unceasingly for it. I want to write odes to your body, as I plot the agonies I’ll inflict on it. (Coincidentally, this is similar to the tough love strategy that I use with the associate lawyers who work for me, which confirms my deep-seated belief that practicing law is just an abstracted form of BDSM). I like bondage, pain play, all flavors (giggle) of ass play. I like name-calling and humiliation, but only in ways that get you off—what I like is the way you glory in your own degradation, you see. We can talk about other kinks too, of course: I won’t rule anything out, short of something illegal.

What about you? You should be intelligent, open-minded. Sassy, yet eager to please. You should be able to string a few coherent English sentences together. You get a pass if English isn’t your first language; brava for even attempting sexy stuff in your non-native language!

Like most men, I prefer younger women, but not exclusively. The idea of a college-aged brat certainly has its appeal, but so does the idea of a capable, established professional with a desire to serve. You should be beautiful in some way, though maybe not necessarily the sort of Hollywood ideal that our cultural lionizes, or even in a physical sense. Attractive people come in all shapes and sizes. I’d be interested in exchanging pictures—at least clothed—but it’s not a complete deal breaker for me if that isn’t your bag. There are lots of creeps out there, after all, and you’ve got no reason to believe I’m not one of them.

You should be female; sorry, boys. I’m also not interested in any sort of sugar daddy relationship. I also will not provide you with any kind of legal services or advice, though if you happen to be a wealthy multinational corporation needing representation, I’ve got some colleagues you should talk to.

If this delicious package of workaholism, sadness, and taboo kinkiness appeals, by all means message me.

Also, this also definitely isn’t a persona created by a newly-unemployed James Comey with too much time on his hands. Definitely not.