Posting on an old ass account i dont use anymore for obvious reasons

So, today I woke up at the oh so glorious hour of the asscrack of dawn, and layed around in bed for a good 2 hours. Noticed im a bit stinky so I decide to hop in the shower. Everythings going all fine and dandy and I get to the point where Im washing my hair (my hair is down to my asscheeks so it takes a long time) and I use tea tree oil to help with irritation on my scalp. So I finish shampooing my hair, get my conditioner going. And now I grab my tea tree oil, put some in my hands and work it through my hair.

Didnt think much of it. Well, as it turns out I had gotten some on the floor of the shower. And this combined with conditioner residue made for what was essentially lube.

At this point I had already capped and put the bottle of tea trea oil back on the edge of my shower, next to the conditioner.

Then my foot slipped. And so I fell, asshole first onto a bottle of tea tree oil. The pain was immense. No lubricant, warning, nothing. At first i though I had just slammed down onto it and maybe it got pushed out of the way.

Nope.

This little bottle became one with my colon, it moved in like it just bought the place. I didnt even feel it at first, until i bent over and felt it move.

Caught me incredibly off guard, and I thought i was crazy.
The 2 finger inspection told me that I had indeed gotten that thing lodged in me.

So here I am, wet as a dog in a pond, bottle in my butt.
Im thinking “wtf am i gonna do?????”
I spend the next hour or so on the toilet trying to get it out.

Im sitting there pushing and pushing until eventually I feel the iron grip of my colon begin to slip. I keep pushing and eventually *tink!*, and out comes the little bastard.

Now I am laying in bed, with crippling gas pains, a sore ass, and a loss of my dignity.

TL;DR- Got conditioner on the shower floor, foot slipped, asshole engulfed a bottle of tea tree oil.