SO MY LAPTOP IS ACTUAL SHIT ITS SOME LENOVO THING I GOT WHEN I WAS 12 AND I ONLY USE IT FOR NETFLIX, DISNEY+ ECT

BUT

I GOOGLED SHIT LIKE ‘Barney the dinosaur rule 34’ ‘Ed sheeran fucks goat’ AS A JOKE AND SHE CAME IN AND SAID:

‘I need your laptop for a teams call, my work one isn’t working’

AND SHE JUST CAME IN AND SNATCHED IT, MID UMBRELLA ACADEMY, AND WENT AWAY TO SET UP TEAMS WHICH WONT FUCKING WORK BECAUSE ITS SHIT AND OLD AND WHATEVER

‘DONT WORRY I REPSRCT YOUR PRIVACY, I WONT LOOK AT ANYTHING’

(Spongebob narrator voice)

Thirty minutes later

*mum slowly walks in with the laptop and sits on the edge of my bed* ‘…I know what you’ve been looking up, I get that teenage curiosity and everything but some of this is… I mean really… rough tellytubby breeding?’

SO I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HER THAT IT WAS A JOKE

‘Look I’m gonna have to tell your dad…(dad is a 53 year old brickie who thinks that kids should start work at 10 ‘like the good old days’)

I START SAYING ‘NO NO NO NO’ BECAUSE HED FUCKING DISOWN ME.

NOW MY MUM THINKS I HAVE A TELLYTUBBY KINK, SHES GONNA TELL MY DAD AND IDK IF MY BROTHER KNOWS OR NOT

ALSO THE LAPTOP DIDNT FUCKING WORK IT HAD NO SOUND AND SHE DIDNT EVEN GET THE JOB SO ITS ALL FOR FUCKING NOTHING

EDIT; THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAY, SHE HASNT TALKED ABOUT IT SINCE BUT IM AT MY DADS HOUSE RN AND HE HASNT DISOWNED ME YET SO I DONT THINK HE KNOWS, IM ON MID TERM BREAK RN SO ILL BE BACK WITH HER ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Edit 2: unrelated but there’s this guy in my class called bradan (yeah it means salmon) he’s the weird annoying kid, ig I’m the only person that can actually tolerate him so he hangs out with me and I just realised he has really really big hands like what the fuck you could fit two of my thumbs into his pinky it’s so weird (they’re nice hands tho ngl)

Edit 3: two people have followed me from this, one of which’s bio says Harambes Ass Cheeks with a pic of a gorillas ass cheeks as their pfp. Ngl new fap material

Edit 4: unrelated but I’m at my dads rn and I went to go brush my teeth but somehow MY TOOTHBRUSH GREW MOULD?! LIKE LAST WEEK IT WAS FINE BUT NOW ITS MOULDY AND IM NOT GONNA PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH AND IM HERE FOR 4 DAYS SO THATS 4 DAYS WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH IM GONNA CRY ITS GONNA FEEL SO FUCKING MUSTYYY

Edit 5: …wholesome and helpful awards…?

edit 6: the awards are coming in faster… this is gonna end up like the spicy curry puthay :,)

Edit 7: someone said villain origin story so I wrote the start of a villain origin story book ig so read this ig

The kids of the class 9H were on a field trip. A small group of teenagers clambered noisily down the cheap metal steps of the yellow school bus onto the cracked pavement, drained dry from the scorching summer sun.

‘Shit, I forgot my water,’ I heard someone mutter. I couldn’t care less, I was too busy trying to revive my legs from the cramped two hour journey to get to this… what is this place anyway?

‘Ah finally! We’re here!’ Mr Halloran, my science and drama teacher, exclaimed while he was adjusting his hat.

I whisper to my friend ‘he looks like he’s exploring the african plains,’ ‘hey! I like him!’ she retorts.

‘Whatever,’ I mutter before I tie my shoelace. ‘What is this place sir?’ Said Euan.

‘This! Ah this is the place where we learn!’ He sang out while clapping his hands excitedly. I can’t believe I actually thought this might be fun. ‘We will learn all about the glorious creatures of the oceans!!’ ‘Mate you could’ve just said an aquarium’ Joanna groaned.

‘Nevermind all that, let’s get inside before we all cook’ the assistant Mr Carlisle (although all the kids just called him Tony) spoke

The rest of the kids made their way inside, but I rounded the bus into the shade and took out my jacket to sit on to keep the dust from clinging to my legs and a book, The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. I opened the book and carefully peeled the sticky note I used to mark my pages off as I began to pick up where I left off.

Law 1| 7: Authority. Avoid outshining the master~

I eventually got bored and decided to walk inside to cool off with the life-saving breeze of the chilling aircon. As I rounded a corner past reception and towards the Coral Reefs exhibit, I heard my friend, Laura, quietly conversing with a bitch that goes by the name of Freya. Freya was beautiful on the outside, with her length raven-black curls tumbling down her back, greatly contrasting her light skin and ghostly blue eyes, on the inside… not so much…

‘I’m not really her friend… never liked her anyways… my parents made me hang out with her… I’m only using her to pass maths…’ I’d heard enough from my friend, could I even call her that anymore?